Why You Should NEVER Take on Shannen Doherty

I have unlimited admiration for many celebrities: Britney Spears, Jason Segel (sigh, heart-shaped thought bubbles), Jennifer Aniston, Bethany Frankel, etc. But no one inspires more respect or deference than Ms. Shannen Marie Doherty.

Here are the top ten reasons why:

1.  Shannen got into a fight with Paris Hilton, when people cared about Paris Hilton, and did not contract an STD.

2. Shannen has magical powers. She played a witch on Charmed for years and evaded the Devil in Satan’s School for Girls, and we all know that Shannen is method.

3. Besmirching Shannen’s good name in a tell-all book will cause your mom to love her dolls more than you.

 4. Probably shouldn’t have taken that red scrunchie at the end of Heathers Winona….


5. If you find Shannen’s pregnancy test in the trash, she will use her powers to make all of the hair on top of your head sprout out of your chest, back and shoulders. Amiright, James Eckhouse?

6. Going up against Shannen in beauty and talent competitions will lead you to become criminally insane.

7. Trying to take the lead in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof from Shannen will lead to your attempting suicide. AND dating Steve Sanders.

You’re lucky Roy Randolf even let you be the understudy!

8. Shannen has had her bangs since playing Jenny Wilder on Little House on the Prarie in 1981. Chuck Norris had barely grown a mustache.

9. If you try to have sex with Shannen in an “uncomfortable place”, be prepared to accept your Razzie nom for a little film called Jersey Girl.

10. If you wear the same outfit as Shannen to the spring dance, you will develop an eating disorder, be burned in a fire, join a cult, become addicted to cocaine, attract a murderous stalker, get shot, lose your memory, get raped, be accused of murder and have a child out of wed lock by a man who will never love you the way he loves Shannen.

3 thoughts on “Why You Should NEVER Take on Shannen Doherty

  1. Pingback: Haters Wanna Hate | petulantpanda

  2. Jeez… I didn’t realize that many bad things happened to Kelly. But I totally also wanted a black and white dress with bows in the early 90’s…

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