A few years ago, my roommate Gigi and I were totally screwed. We had been renting our master bedroom to a couple from California who decided to move out at the end of December. Guess who moves in New York on New Year’s Day, which also happens to usually be freezing cold and often snowy and wet?
So Gigi and I were scrambling, trying to find anyone who would take this room, lest we have to pay a crap load more rent than a hostess and a waitress were prepared to pay. The answer to our prayers and offerings to the Craigslist gods was a six-foot tall thirty year old man fresh off the plane from India with a job as a computer programmer for a very famous and reputable financial firm. (Even Gigi and I had heard of it.)
His name was Guru. That’s not his full name, but it is his real name. He had charming little habits. He liked to fill up a water glass and leave it, half-drunk, on a high shelf in our cabinet. That’s not very nice for me and I’m 5’8”. Poor Gigi is 5 feet nothing. She frequently, and inadvertently, bathed in Guru’s backwash.
He also liked to use a plate for food; like a full meal. Then he would just run a little cold water over it and put it back in the cupboard, wet and dirty. This was fairly disgusting on its own, but add to it the fact that my apartment has a dishwasher and there was absolutely no excuse.
Guru liked to use so much Axe Body Spray that I could taste it as he walked by. Once, I was sleeping with my door closed and his scent woke me up as though it had just spooned me. I believe this was Guru’s gift to us ladies. We were so lucky.
Guru’s bathroom went so long without being cleaned that it smelled like a dirty sock had taken the room hostage and was holding a loaded can of Axe up to its head. As a messy person, I am always equal parts horrified and impressed by someone who can live in true filth.
Guru was a computer programmer by day. But his true calling was the beat: Guru was a DJ. He received a monthly magazine on the club scene; he used his bass so loud and so long that it vibrated Gigi’s television off of her dresser; and once night, the best thing happened that has ever happened in my whole life.
Gigi and I were watching television in the living room; probably something awesome like Grey’s Anatomy before they got rid of all the best characters. All of a sudden, Gigi turned to me and said “Do you hear that?” I shook my head, but began to listen. There was a vaguely rhythmic snapping and foot stomping coordination going on. “Is he…is he dancing?”
We found less smelly roommates shortly afterwards and gave Guru the boot. Now, whenever I listen to Pink, a hint of Axe wafts through the air.