Shake, Shake, Shake

America is the next great nation to fall. I didn’t believe this until today, but there is truly no way to go back after the atrocities I’ve seen.

I was asked to look up new salt and pepper shakers for our office kitchen; something tasteful in glass and chrome. After eliminating a couple of home goods stores, I turned to Amazon. Surely in the 10,000 results my search turned up, I’d find something useful. I did. I also discovered that the level of taste in these United States has fallen to such degraded heights that I do not believe we can pick ourselves up ever again. Below is a short selection of the horrors I’ve witnessed today. Please, turn your children’s eyes from the screen.

1. The first lesson of the day: People love to spice their food out of frogs. Frogs are the most prevalent S&P shape; more than dogs, monkeys or penguins. Whether the frogs are in love (right) or in some sort of frog arranged marriage (left) seems to make no difference.

2. People love the Wizard of Oz so much, they can’t be away from it, even long enough to have a quick meal at the table.

In case this isn’t clear, each of the pictures above is a set. They are magnetized together, so you don’t end up with just a random pair of feet. Without the house, this would look absurd.

3. Nothing seasons food better than a little light domestic violence.

4. “Water sports aren’t just for Kardashian sex tapes anymore!”, is the opening line at your next dinner party with this fetching set.

5. What better way to open the door for your son to come out of the closet?

6. These little guys? Will always make me tear up, whether I’m looking at them online or in a store full of strangers.

7. Nothing worse than being a-salted at the dinner table.

8. Sending your children to their rooms as punishment is for spineless parents. Why not send them a clear message over dinner instead?

9. I can’t think of a more elegant way to enjoy a meal than gazing upon this splendor. No lesson learned here, just appreciating art.

10. No animal, no matter how regal or majestic is spared the humiliation of carrying salt and pepper.

11. Also,this.

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