My New Year’s resolution was to stop being such a wuss. There are a lot of things that I want in my life, but I am sometimes afraid to take the necessary steps to achieve them. One of the ways I thought I could be less wussy would be to try online dating. So I had to make a profile, beginning with a little blurb about myself. These are a few that I thought were really funny, but my instincts told me that they might not show me in the best light.
When I was four, I wed my My Buddy Doll™ in an early one morning before preschool. It was a lovely ceremony: I wore my passy fairy costume, which I got for quitting the pacifier when I was three, and my Buddy wore a borrowed pink onesie.
A few years later, he left me for my Child Sized Doll, Lisa (that whore). Though that was painful for me, I’m ready to move on and put myself out there again. I feel stronger and ready to start meeting other men, maybe even someone who is not stuffed with cotton. If you are interested in becoming the next Mr. Petulant Panda, please shoot me a message!
In the past week, two different gay men have proposed marriage to me. One, a tall stocky baritone, who proposed in person; the other a sexy, lanky tenor. They said my sense of humor, love of musical theatre and extraordinarily large feet which would help double their own shoe collections were the main draws. Also having hilarious children who have natural harmonizing abilities is very important to both of them, as it is to me. Had either of them had benefits, I wouldn’t need to be on this site, but alas. If you have health and dental, message me, even if you’re straight!
I’ve always said that if I’d been born in Biblical Times, my parents would have left me on the side of a mountain; the fate of all sickly babies. If there is a non-life threatening ailment or injury, I have had it; cysts, sprained everything, whiplash, tonsillitis, and most notably, asthma.
The worst part about having asthma is that spring and fall can be torturous to my face and lungs. The best part is that I am not allergic to cats! So if you have a cat, I will happily stay indoors with it all day, especially if your apartment is not too dusty. I’m not very good at cooking and I don’t really care to clean, but I am hilarious. So if you like to laugh, but are deeply afraid of dust mites, we could really have something special.
(Please do not message me if you have a chronic disease, or share my deep affliction with hypochondria. Our children would be disasters!)
This is a rough draft of one I actually used.
In kindergarten, I was charged with the task of bringing an empty apple juice jar to the trashcan (it was the last year of the ‘80’s; no recycling). As I stood behind my parents’ station wagon, I was overcome with curiosity: What would happen if I dropped the jar on the ground?
As I stood there among a thousand chards of glass directly behind the back right tire of our Ford Fairmont, my curiosity sated, a second, unforeseen, result materialized: my dad was really mad. He asked why I smashed the jar and I replied simply that I wanted to see what would happen.
I love the look on an adult’s face when he or she is trying to decide whether to laugh or be angry. Because my dad is awesome, he chose laughter with a lesson. He told me that glass pops tires and that while he admired my curiosity, breaking something in the middle of the driveway was a onetime experiment.
Thus ended a very brief career as a physicist, but my curiosity has never waned. I love trying new things and meeting new people. New York has afforded me the opportunity to do both.