Horsing Around

Some terrible things have happened to me in my life. I’m probably the fifth bravest person on the internet after Bronies, Britney, Christina, and Courtney Stodden. I have sat on this tale for a while, due to there being extant video, but I am finally ready to share the worst thing that ever happened to me while I was waiting tables, maybe the worst thing that ever happened to anyone ever.

Whether they turn out to be friend or foe, I can always sniff out creatively inclined free spirits. I had instant success with table 16 on a sunny Saturday brunch at my old restaurant. They were the producers and stars of a kids’ show in Atlanta. I am always on the lookout for networking opportunities, so I gladly volunteered that I was an actor with children’s theatre experience. They were laughing, I was hilarious. I am a sucker.

These three free spirits informed me that their show was called Horsing Around, and that the feature segment was a man-on-the-street scene shot for every show where they got strangers to ride horses with them. Not majestic, equine creatures; stuffed toy horse heads on sticks. And they were convinced that I would be the perfect candidate for an appearance on their show. At brunch. In my waitress uniform.

If your server suddenly begins avoiding your table like the plague after what has been fairly attentive service, it’s you. I managed to be too busy to “horse around” with them for the entire meal. After they signed their check and looked ready to go, I hid behind the service bar like the self-preserving coward that I am, but my boss quickly hunted me out and pulled me up to the hostess stand, where the producers had already explained their situation.

So, in front of the entire restaurant, the kitchen, the bar, and God, I rode that stupid horse on a stick to the best of my ability. I figured the only thing more embarrassing than being recorded in my waitress uniform riding a toy horse was doing it badly.

I pray that I will never know if that’s true. My manager has the security footage somewhere (on his iPhone), and I can assume that I made it into the episode, so I probably have an under 7 following in Atlanta, Georgia, but I have no interest in seeing these films. At first, I was really angry at these people for taking advantage of my servile position. Now I’m just kind of pissed that I’ll never be able to just walk into an elementary school in ATL like a normal person. Fame definitely has its price.

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