Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me

I am terrible in the world of men and dating. Like a terrified baby. I know I’m awesome and I know I’m decently attractive, etc. This total awkward neurosis is almost completely me being a crazy and wearing middle and high school like a medieval hair shirt. The other side of that coin is I am totally in awe of girls who are really confident around men. Not even jealous, just so impressed and am sure that their lives are really, really easy and that nothing bad ever happens to them.

The Awesome Opossum used to work at a different place than she works now (too specific for you?). One of the girls she worked with was one of those girls who always has a boyfriend and always has drama with him and always has, like, five to a million guys who are in love with her. Totally impressive. In the midst of moving in with her boyfriend and cheating on him with her best guy friend, this person, let’s call her Kelly Taylor just for fun, had to coordinate an event with Jeremy Piven, a person who is known for being a sleazy and disgusting womanizer, as well as someone who dropped out of a Broadway show over too much tuna.

But Kelly Taylor was thrilled to be his go-to for this fancy event. She didn’t even mind working so closely with Jeremy Piven, though she said he was constantly hitting on her and wouldn’t leave her alone. I could not understand why the Awesome Opossum found this so annoying. Kelly Taylor couldn’t help how much Jeremy Piven and all other men liked her. The fact that I would immolate myself if Jeremy Piven hit on me is irrelevant.

A year has come and gone, the Awesome Opossum now has a new job where Jeremy Piven hasn’t even met any of her co-workers. Back at her old job, they were gearing up for the big event again and Kelly Taylor was a little worried. She has made a serious effort to stay committed to her boyfriend and was worried that Jeremy Piven would resume his great seduction, since she would obviously be the one working on the event. It must have been such a relief when she was asked to work on other projects instead.

Especially since she doesn’t know that Jeremy Piven’s people called her company to ask that she be taken off the event because she made him uncomfortable with her advances the last time they worked together.


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