Ryan Lochte, whose name I cannot pronounce, declared these would be his Olympics. He was tired of living in the gleaming golden shadow of Michael Phelps. Lochte is a great swimmer of his own accord. It’s not his fault he was teamed up with one of the most decorated Olympians of all time. I would say that this was Ryan Lochte’s Olympics, though not because of his athletic prowess.
Lochte is one of the most popular American Olympians of the year because he is so on the pulse of the American zeitgeist: likeably douchey. He’s poised to be the star of his own reality show and is currently fielding offers. One Gawker commenter suggested MTV give him his own version of The Hills, an awesome idea upon which I shall now elaborate.
For Ryan Lochte to rule reality TV, he needs to corner the two key markets: MTV and E!. Brody Jenner, the handsome son of Bruce Jenner, an Olympian and step-father to all things Kardashian, is the key. MTV viewers love Jenner’s handsome, rapscallion ways. They could have a show called The ‘wood and Ryan can be the charismatic BFF that neither Frankie nor Spencer ever was. LMFAO would obviously write their intro. The plot will be the two of them trying to get a clothing line off the ground. To legitimize, there will be many cameos: They will see Kristen’s new baby and make crass condom jokes once out of earshot. Lo will be the object of Lochte’s desire, but will have none of it because she is way too cool for that, so he’ll end up with Audrina sometimes. Lauren will sporadically appear to establish this as a real Hills spinoff and to remind us that she and Brody almost had it all. Brody’s actual girlfriend, Avril Lavigne will not be featured because she is too famous for reality TV and because she is Canadian.
Simultaneously at E!, Lochte will peripherally appear on Keeping up with the Kardashians. As Brody’s BEST FRIEND, he will accompany Brody everywhere, including family functions. All the of-age Kardashians are spoken for so he can’t date them. But these bros can pitch their fashion line at ‘Dash, with a couple of amazing boardroom scenes where they carefully lay out a biz-ness plan while wearing matching grills with their line’s logo. Kloe (the likeable one) will not be impressed, but Kourtney and Kim will be taken in by the shininess of the grills and dreams will be realized.
Occasionally, Rob and Lamar Odom will play two on two with Brody and Ryan, which will be embarrassing for everyone except Rob, who has no shame due to his lineage. I don’t know if Ryan Seacrest or Adam Divello would prefer to take the lead, but I’m taking calls either way.
Update: The Awesome Opossum has alerted me to Brody and Avril’s break-up back in January.
Things just got complicated for Lauren and Brody….jeah….