I can hardly wait for the Avril Lavigne and Chad Koeger* wedding, which may rival Britney and K-Fed’s in class and sophistication. This event is slated to be televised. I plan on buying lots of arm sleeves and pink hairpieces to be appropriately dressed for the occasion. Surely their vows will involve him promising to never be pretending, but to in fact be her happy ending and her promising to always remind him of who he really is. Alan Thicke will officiate; Jim Carrey will an interesting but ultimately sad reading; the cast of You Can’t Do That on Television will sing an a cappella version of Sk8r Boi. Justin Beiber will choreograph something, but ultimately won’t be invited because even Avril Lavigne thinks he’s obnoxious. We spoke too soon calling William and Kate’s union the “Wedding of the Century.”
Meanwhile, back in the motherland, Prince Harry is getting quite the scolding for having naked time with two classy ladies of the Las Vegas strip. Queen is understandably upset by this. My Mema would not approve of my behind on the internet and my Grandmama would ask if I shouldn’t maybe be more careful about carbs. No one wants to see her grandchild naked on the internet. But the royals should lighten up a little; Prince Harry has certainly done worse. When God closes a door, he opens a window.
The Royal family is constantly looking for ways to become more of the people and Prince Harry is their untapped resource. A great way for them to reach out to their own people and beyond to the colonies is for Prince Harry be in Canada to burst out of Avril’s wedding cake at the televised reception wearing only his birthday suit and wishing the happy couple many returns of the day on behalf of their friendly monarch, the Queen of England. Then nudity could just start being a thing that Harry does as a gesture of international goodwill.
With this practice established, we can begin the reparation of recently strained Canadian-American relations: Avril’s not so distant ex, Brody Jenner, found out about her engagement during his birthday party, burning him deeply. Prince Harry just made best friends playing in the pool with Ryan Lochte, who is slated to start shooting a reality show with Jenner (in my mind). Through these bromances, it’s possible that the Prince and Lochte can mediate peace between Lavigne and Jenner, perhaps at Lohtenation. It’s the only way for all nations involved to move forward and prevent the VMA’s from being hideously awkward in years to come.