You guys, what the hell? Here in America, we are steeped in conventions, which are like shiny parades for our political teams. (Fights these ugly don’t deserve to have the term “party”. Would you call the time Luann De Lesseps had a gathering at her Hamptons house to avoid going to Cindy’s place in Quogue a party? I think not.) It’s an overwhelming cage match of red v. blue, thinly veiled by dignity. In lucky Russia, things are different.
This morning, their President, Vladimir Putin, in a hang glider, in a crane costume, led a flock of endangered Siberian cranes to their winter habitats. This isn’t even the first time their president has communed with nature. He has tranquilized a tiger. He has crossbowed tissue from a whale in the name of science. This behavior seemingly lacks the dignity demanded of an elected official, but as many in Russia question the legitimacy of his recent election, Putin neatly escapes these restrictive expectations.
Here in America, we are doing it all wrong. In Russia, there is never any real hope of succeeding the reigning President, freeing up their leader to really let things get fun. Obama and Romney have to maintain a sense of decorum. Neither of them ever gets to do cool stuff, like dive to fake-recover fragments of ancient Greek urns. Even Bill Clinton, other than a couple of boring affairs, had to rely on saxophone to show his true personality. Why won’t we let our leaders be great?
Political propriety continually bogs down Americas’ leaders. Politicians’ dependence on being voted into office has become a huge hindrance to our entertainment. If we had a more authoritarian government, like Russia, we would be able to really just sit back and enjoy. America needs a hero; a cock-eyed millionaire with a whole bunch of crazy costumes. What worked for Gotham should work everywhere. Look at what it’s done for Russia. A nation united under the pride of knowing that their president, who so loved them that he picked himself over the person they thought they wanted, loves their country so much that he will spend days, nay, weeks, bonding with six endangered cranes and learning to fly a motorized hang glider. Think of all the animals Barack Obama could bond with and save if he didn’t have to waste all his time leading the free world and campaigning for stupid reelection.
And don’t go thinking that President Putin’s compulsive outdoorsy displays of manliness don’t further him politically. A leader who is secure enough to display his aging body in its resplendent shirtlessness tells the world that he spits in the face of death, even more than soaring unprotected in the sky dressed as the baby of a Klan Dragon and a bee keeper. This latest act of bonding with birds sends the perfect Looney Tunes inspired message to the recently caged Pussy Riot.