It Was Lonely Atop That Tower

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a beautiful young maiden. She was kept in a  tall tower by her mother who wanted only to protect her from the evils of the world. The only way she could have companionship was by letting down her hair and having her guest use it to climb the tower.

Believe it or not, this is the plot to a fairytale called Rapunzel. If by some chance, you know it, you remember that it ended in Rapunzel’s hating her mother. When I read a story like the one published in this morning’s New York Times, I think of Rapunzel. Apparently, Todd “legitimate rape” Akin’s campaign is being propped up by the good home schooling people of Missouri. One supporter says, “Here’s a fellow who’s a home-school dad and running for Congress. Let’s get behind him,” which reminds me of the episode of Will and Grace, “Star Spangled Banter”, where Will backs a gay candidate for City Council while Grace backs a Jewish female candidate before either realizes both candidates are horrible people.

There are plenty of non-crazy reasons to home school: bullying, pursuing Olympic dreams, touring with the circus, to name a few. But I don’t believe these are the home schooling parents propping up Todd “women have magical vaginas that I don’t understand but trust me one time a scientist said they totally do” Akin. He is backed by people who have good Christian values, which keep them scared enough to shield their children from the Devil’s lessons of evolution and biology. The parents supporting Todd “stem-cell research is sinful black magic” Akin use up to 10 hours a week incorporating his campaign into their lessons in Social Studies and Typing (do real schools still teach typing to the iPad generation?), teaching their kids that it’s ok if they don’t believe in basic science, look how successful that’s made Todd “liberals hate God” Akin.

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher told our class that freeing the slaves put them at a great disadvantage because they didn’t know how to take care of themselves. I went home and told my mom, who promptly shit a brick and called my school. These kids have no oversight of their lessons, thanks in part to Todd “House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology” Akin. Without any external influence, they are just parrots to whatever their parents tell them.

Forget the fact that ignoramuses like Todd “ugghhhhhh” Akin should be kept as for away from malleable minds as possible. Forget the fact that nowhere in the Bible does Jesus say “If you really love me, you will teach my words with exclusivity, barring and shunning all those who diverge even slightly from the message.” Forget the fact that being shielded from the real world for one’s entire childhood leaves one ill-prepared to live in it. Forget all those facts and you are well on your way to preparing an ideal home school lesson plan.

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