Last night, I borrowed the Convivial Canary (a co-worker and friend)’s car and journeyed to Paramus questing suburban shopping. I learned good, bad, and New Jersey things along the way. The Container Store in Paramus is the most spacious, luxurious place I’ve ever been, like a palace of convenience. If, nay, when, you go to the Paramus Container Store, you can expect the works. They will double bag your containers. They will give you flawless directions; they will become your family.
Additional wonders include the warmth of the customer service at the Ikea Food court, a clerk who puts the Beyond in customer service at Bed, Bath &, and the fact that these stores were conveniently clustered to avoid aimless carousing across urban sprawl. Much appreciated, Paramus.
The inhabitants of Paramus, NJ are not a brisk lot, at least not the ones shopping for affordable home goods on a Monday evening. If you are getting into an elevator in Paramus and are nice enough to hold it for someone, do not expect them or their huge family to accelerate beyond a glacial pace. Don’t expect them not to shove in front of you so they can get out first, spread to the capacity of the exit hallway and meander at a pace perhaps slower than standing still. You will only be disappointed. You can also expect them to be dicks and butt in front of you in the Ikea line when you have one item and they literally have three hand trucks full of furniture. Only one family did this on my watch, but I assume it to be part of the culture of Paramus. They should assume immature eye-rolling and patronizing questions to be part of the culture of New York City.
In New Jersey, there is a state law that patrons cannot pump their own gas. That is a real thing. Gas can only be pumped by gas station employees. Last night, an un-uniformed Sunoco employee popped out of literally nowhere to inform me of this fact and scared me to pieces. Unnerved and suspicious, I drove to the next gas station to verify this fact, further establishing the reputation of New Yorkers in New Jersey. This is the weirdest law I’ve ever heard of. I don’t know if New Jersey-ites are incapable of pumping gas or if this is a job creation project from Chris Christie designed to simultaneously eliminate all extraneous physical activity, but I do not care for it. For the record, this is not Paramus’ fault.
I traveled to Paramus searching for convenience, but I found more than that; I found myself. More importantly, l found one of the last lilac Isala Cabinets in the Tri-State area. Paramus; where dreams come true.