Because karma is the swiftest bitch I’ve met since a drag queen snatched my phone for daring to text as her show began, immediately after tweeting about undecided voters being shamed in academia for their whole lives I couldn’t figure out how to set up my wireless internet. Fortunately, the Computer Cat helped me find a solution using technology and my most hated enemy, patience, so here I am wirelessly connected throughout my entire apartment. Big day.
Today is Halloween in name, but definitely not in celebration. Manhattan is a powerless wasteland, Brooklynites (?) and Queensians (.) are stranded in our respective boroughs, New Jersey is straight fucked. Chris Christie is a monogrammed hero. The world has literally gone insane, so it’s not the day to pour refined corn syrup down the throats of masked children or encourage wasted, scantily clad homosexuals to parade through the darkened West Village. There are plenty of other days for that. Also, I have already dressed up in my costume and been mistaken for a “coked up fairy” (I was a fallen angel. It was flawless.), watched Hocus Pocusonce, and eaten my weight plus your weight in candy corn, so I feel like I’ve eked out the very best parts of the holiday. Judging from the lines at Party City on Saturday, most adults share my sentiments.
I didn’t go to work today. My car never showed up. I’m guessing it was stuck in the hellish traffic that is the true horror story of October 31st, 2012. Tomorrow I’m getting picked up at 5:30 AM so I’m going to bed in about three minutes. Happy Halloween!