Three, Oh, It’s The Magic Number

Have you ever heard the expression, “Let sleeping dogs lie?” Michael Bay sure as hell hasn’t. He is intent on destroying one of the greatest trilogies of the 21st century: Transformers. Who can forget where they were when Megatron ripped Jazz in half with both physical strength and a zinger, responding to Jazz’s “You want a piece of me?” with, “No. I want two!” Chills. Where would America be without the steely, selfless resolve of Optimus Prime? Has anyone recovered from Megan Fox’s sudden departure from the trilogy, which taught us that even a love as pure and true as Sam and Michaela’s doesn’t always survive? I know I haven’t. The Awesome Opossum is likewise still in mourning.

Bless her heart.

But Michael Bay’s senseless pursuit of bitches, hos, and gettin’ paid knows no bounds. And to add vertigo to fall from grace, Mark Wahlberg will be joining the cast of Transformers IV: Needless Fuckery. While prestigious actors Julie White, John Turturo, Francis McDormand, and Bumble Bee Prime have all come before him, this is a strange career choice for Marky Mark after the much Oscar-buzzed The Fighter. Though I love the Transformers franchise more than seltzer (but less than gum), I can guarantee that the script for this movie will be of the same quality. And given Michael Bay’s hatred of women without modeling portfolios, Mr. Wahlberg’s co-star will probably not be of the same talent caliber as Melissa Leo or Amy Adams or that sheep he talked to that one time on Saturday Night Live.

Will Mark Wahlberg play Sam Witwicky’s less manic cousin? Will he play a general who doesn’t understand or respect the ways of the Primes? Will he play a Megabot? All the rolls are open since most of the cast of the previous Transformers and Director Bay have mutually incinerated their bridges, which raises some already flown flags about working with Michael Bay.

Now that Mark Wahlberg is going around picking up Shia LaBeouf’s sloppy seconds, will we see a Wahlberg-helmed remake of Even Stevens, starring Mark and brother Donny? Is he going to be a plucky young trader in, Seriously Wall Street, You Guys? Are we going to have to endure a seemingly endless press tour of Wahlberg doing shitty indie flicks and trying to find projects that “scare him”?

Mark Wahlberg, you have worked with Christian Bale. You’re better than this.

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