Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Well. Channing Tatum is People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2012. He is charmingly surprised. I am not. I saw Step Up. I am acquainted with Dear John. Magic Mike? I have seen it. I am familiar with the reasons for the delay in G.I. Joe 2: ALL the Explosions premiere. (The script called for Duke, Tatum’s character, to be killed off. Bad call, Paramount. They are fixing it.) I recently saw a charming little indie flick, Ten Years, followed by a Q&A with Mr. Tatum himself. I’m the Nate Silver of this cover, if Nate Silver based all of his predictions on how much he personally enjoyed Channing Tatum in various shirtless roles and then smugly predicted, only inside his own head, that Tatum would win Sexiest Man Alive. I got a C in AP Statistics. My teacher was generous.
This is definitely the second best news of 2012, narrowly bested by President Obama’s reelection. Often, we see this award go to a sexy man of the year in question: Bradley Cooper, Mr. SMA 2011, is certainly attractive, talented, and on the rise. But Ryan Gosling should have gotten that crown and scepter. In 2002, Ben Affleck claimed the award. C’mon, People! He was running around with J.Lo looking, like his own creepy character in Mallrats. My dog Caleb was a sexier man and that was the year he lost his tail. In 2004, Jude Law was bestowed the highest honor in the land, with Star Jones’ then-husband Al Reynolds on the cover right next to him! A mean spirited robbery if I’ve ever seen one.
So this year, it’s nice to see the title go to someone who really deserves it. Since the moment Channing Tatum popped and locked his way into my heart as Tyler Gage, I’ve known this day would come. And for those of you who can’t get over Ryan Gosling’s annual snub, I want to tell you a story. Imagine I am sitting very close to you, holding your hand in a sisterly way. When I was a senior in high school, there was a ridiculously hot guy in my class. He was like if Chord Overstreet from Glee and Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting had a baby and that baby played lacrosse (soccer?) and was nice to everyone. He clearly was given the Best Looking superlative. He turned it down cold, magnifying his hotness tenfold.
When we all reunited at a house party the summer after freshman year of college, he had grown white boy dreadlocks and was obsessed with hacky sack. Is that what you want to happen to Ryan Gosling? Think about the consequences of these awards before you take to the Twitter in angry, hash tagging mobs. Not everyone is meant to be on the cover. Be grateful for the gifts we have; do not lament what can never be.