The Girl Can’t Help It

In my life, I am plagued by bad decisions and a weak inner ear that always lead to me saying “whoopsie” or “shoot!” or “fuck-fuck-fuck-my-computer-OMG-did-I-just-knock-all-those-heavy-shelves-over-and-scrape-my-own-leg?!?!?!?!” But it’s nice to know that I am not alone in these common, everyday calamities, and the equally commonplace sayings that follow them.

You guys, Jessica Simpson is possibly pregnant again. Whoopsie. Her baby was born seven months ago, so it’s safe to guess that this baby was unplanned. This reminds me of the time that I bought a container of Sea Salted Caramels from Trader Joe’s. They are so good. You can plan to only have the recommended serving size of four caramels, but if you aren’t careful, you can plow through the whole container in one sitting. You will be full, which is just how Jessica’s uterus feels now, even though it was empty so recently. I wish I’d left those delicious caramels in the kitchen after just taking a reasonable amount. Jessica maybe wishes she’d used condoms.

In the “shoot!” category today sits Angus T. Jones. Monday, the spirit moved the half in Two and a Half Men to release a viral video telling America to stop watching his show, which incidentally pays him $350,000 per episode, because it takes people farther from God, but that he was going to stay on it because it was important for him to learn about sin from the inside…. Y’all, his bad. Last night, he released a statement to Us Weekly, saying sorry to all the people he’s worked with over the past ten years, which is literally half his life.  While I’m nearly positive that God, who created miraculous Heaven and Earth, would prefer to take no responsibility for the indictment of American culture that is 2.5 XYs, there’s nothing moral or righteous about taking bunch of money for something you think is wrong and then actively seeking to destroy the jobs of all the people who do not make a bunch of money and depend on each paycheck from the show you rightly call “filth”, but for the wrong reasons. Angus T. Jones now knows that, and I now know Angus T. Jones’ name.

“Back up off me sinner!”

And in “fuck-fuck-fuck-my-computer-OMG-did-I-just-knock-all-those-heavy-shelves-over-and-scrape-my-own-leg?!?!?!?!” news, something went down in China this week. Two weeks ago, The Onion satirically named Kim Jong-il’s successor, Kim Jong-un the Sexiest Man Alive. I clarify that it was satire, because China’s The People’s Daily, a Communist paper, took the award at face value and ran with the story. This is incredibly embarrassing for the entire paper, and not super great for the Communist party at large. When I read this story, my mind instantly turned to the Awesome Opossum. Not because she’s a Communist or loves Kim Jong-un, but because she is in public relations. Her job is really stressful and demanding and often entails making fast calls for people with little patience. I imagined a little Chinese, Communist version of her over at The People’s Daily, desperately straining for something to turn into her boss. She may not have had enough time to look at another article in the whole entire Onion or research past winners, such as Bernie Madoff and Ted Kaczinski. Now her day is really fucked. And she’s probably gchatting with her best friend about how upset she is and much she wishes she’d fact-checked. And then she probably is fired. Or killed.

Listen, we’re all just doing our best. Whether you are famous, or the editor of the “mouthpiece of the Communist party”, or just a little panda alone in her apartment on a Saturday night, mistakes are bound to happen. The important thing is that we learn from them and make a better choice next time.

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