Fat Bottomed Girls, You Make The Rockin’ World Go ‘Round

You guys, men seriously won’t let the ladies have anything that is just ours anymore. Now they’re coming for our insane issues with food. Other than being paid $.70 on the dollar, being expected to shoulder the majority of domestic duties, and repeating Eve’s monthly punishment until we dry up and turn to dust, food issues was our thing. I remember looking at my thighs at 11 years old and feeling nothing but rage. Now I don’t even get to feel special about that.

At least once a week, the dudes in my office compare their weights. The other day one of them defensively said to another, “Dude, your metabolism is different than mine. We’re going to lose weight differently, ok bro?” Two weeks ago, one of them went on the Dukan Diet, which is where you just eat chicken. For five days. And you lose weight fast, which is handy if you want to impress your college buddies at a wedding. Which he did. And then bragged about it. When I first started at this office, the entire trading floor went on the BluePrint Juice diet. Which made them all really cranky and hungry. And, as someone who sees them every day, not thinner.

Made from bad ideas and natural sugars.

It doesn’t help these guys with their body images when they see celebrities slimming down to nearly nothing. Jared Leto is joining Matthew McConaughey in the movie The Dallas Buyer’s Club and also in the making me visibly uncomfortable with his creepily skinny body club. Matthew, you were the creeper I hated to love in Dazed and Confused and Jared? Your Jordan Catalano set the bar for every emotionally unavailable guy I’ve ever liked. Which is all of them. These were beefy men who have gone down to nothing just for a role. They say it’s to star in a movie about people dying from AIDS, but have we seen a script? This movie could be about guys who are dying to be thin, like so many Lifetime movies before it. Only those were about women, because our eating disorders get shoved to basic cable. Now that being grossly underweight is a male desire, it’s a feature film. What gives, Hollywood?

I took an online nutrition class my freshman year at the University of Arizona, so I’m basically a doctor. I can tell you, carbohydrates have four calories per gram. Protein has four calories per gram. Fat has nine calories per gram. I know this because I”m a woman and those facts plague me with every bite I put in my mouth. Do not try to copy me gentlemen. I got this.

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