The start of the winter season is majestic. It is also disgusting. Welcome to cold and flu season. Did you get a flu shot in September/October? It doesn’t really matter; you might be fucked either way. I always get a flu shot. I have asthma. For me, flu can turn to pneumonia. For most people, the flu can turn to the flu, which is still violently unpleasant. Get a flu shot. Be an adult.
It is possible that you may contract another illness besides the flu. A cold. A virus. Cabin fever. I don’t know your life. No matter what, you are going to want to feel better fast. As someone who absolutely disintegrates into a human temper tantrum when she’s sick, allow me to help you.
At the first tickle of throat or blush of fever, get serious. De Nile is a river in Egypt which, despite its surprising flow direction, does not have waters with restorative powers. And even if it did, you couldn’t afford them. Here’s what you can afford:
- Mucinex: This expectorant will break up the mucus in your sinuses and lungs. If that grosses you out, you are not ready to feel better. If you let that business build up, you are begging for an infection.
- Zicam: This is full of Zinc. They sell it in cherry flavored chewy form. I will take any medicine made in chewy form; so should you. The aftertaste is disgusting and your stomach will be destroyed. See these as bonuses: now you are dieting and amping up your immune system.
- Sleep: It’s free. Sleeping a few extra hours that first night will save you sick days at work. Recognize.
Ok. Did those things work? “Yes.” That’s great. Now you’re well.
Alternate answer: “No. I am sicker and everything is horrible and I taste Zinc and then I took vitamin C and now I wish I were dead.” I understand wanting to be dramatic. You’re sick. You will feel better, but probably not till after you feel worse. Because I like you, I’ll give you a recipe passed down to me from my genius acting teacher, Harold Dixon. It’s for tea. He is an awesome actor and a great tea recipe recommender. Everything will be fine.
Ginger Ale (or Diet), 2L
A crapload of ginger root. That’s not enough. Get more. Ok,ok. That’s enough.
Peel and chop the root. Put it in a pot. Pour the Ginger Ale (or Diet) on top of it. Boil all that crap. Prepare yourself for sinus magic. You can add lemon or cayenne pepper, but you don’t have to. Find your bliss.