I Can Look At People, See What’s Lying Ahead

I wanted to have teleportation as my super power, because I am impatient and always late. The Awesome Opossum wishes she had the super power to keep her manicure longer than three days, but frankly mine is more realistic. However, this week it’s come to light that I do have a super power and it is being psychic. So far, it only pertains to one pop culture phenomenon, but I assume my powers will grow. This is big for me.

This is from yourbrainonpandas.com. I did not click on that link; I don't have time to go down the rabbit hole.

This is from yourbrainonpandas.com. I did not click on that link; I don’t have time to go down the rabbit hole.

Ryan Lochte who you either remember from the Olympics or from the time his mom told the entire world that he doesn’t have time for relationships, only one night stands, proving she is no Debbie Phelps in motherly support or smart Chico’s ensembles, is getting his own reality show on E!, which will focus on Mr. Lochte and his impending fashion line. He’ll probably do some sort of douchey Christian Audigier knock off line featuring his brilliant and totally original slogan, “Jeah”, but it would be good of him to design some really sharp lady-wear for his mama. That might help her get some positive attention instead of having to play second fiddle to the natural charisma of top swim mom Debbie Phelps. I’d also like to see Ryan get into some hijinks involving him trying to hide his one-night stands from his mom so that she won’t ruin his game. Typical Mrs. Lochte to be all, “You kids have fun, but just know, Sweetie, he’s not going to call again. He just doesn’t have the time!”

Oh, Ryan

There is a terrifying issue standing between the Lochtes and true glory. E! has it’s own top mom, Kris Jenner. She’s no Debbie Phelps, but she did clearly make a deal with Satan and probably shouldn’t be trusted. Top moms don’t cotton to other moms trying to step into their territory. Kris knows that talking about her kids’ sex lives and exploiting them for her own personal gain is her ace in the hole.
 I’m not saying that Kris Jenner would shed her human form, slither over to Ryan Lochte’s mom’s house and tear her limb from limb until only a bloodless heart and a grill custom-made for her by her own son remain, but I fear it. And if we’ve learned anything this week, it’s that I am sometimes not incorrect when I write satirically about things I think will never happen. My powers are growing. Ryan should probably keep his loose-lipped mother out of the public eye, for her own safety.

Truth be told, it was nearly impossible to chose between all of Debbie Phelp's looks.

Truth be told, it was nearly impossible to chose between all of Debbie Phelp’s looks.

PS: Sorry for the late posts this week. I started a new job on Monday. It’s also my old job that I used to have. I’m so the first Becky on Roseanne. My days are spent reading compliance manuals, learning how things have changed, and making new and old coworkers alike fall in love with me through my witticisms and charm. I have a lot going on.


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