Like always, Britney Spears and I are experiencing similar life changes. We’re both changing jobs. Britney is leaving the X-Factor. I just left my administrative position at a hedge fund. There are all sorts of rumors for both of our departures flying around. I’ll keep them neutral to protect both of our privacies: “She didn’t like sitting on the trading floor.” “She didn’t like having so much national scrutiny considering she’s still learning to cope after a very public, and recent, breakdown.” “She wanted more time with my kids.” “There was too much filing involved.” “She felt unheard.” “Not enough cheese grits on site.” “She wants to focus on her music.”
Longtime readers of the site know that, though I don’t like to name drop, Britney and I are very close. I wouldn’t say she’s my BEST FRIEND, a slot occupied by the Awesome Opossum, but I would say that she is up there. We have a lot in common: we both love her music, are from the South, and we both know who Britney Spears is. And it’s like, I get that she has to do what’s best for her, but I do feel a little like she’s copying me. Like, I’m always like, “Oh Britney, I’m leaving my job to go back to my old company,” and then she’s like, “Oh, um, me too! I’m leaving my $15 million contract with Fox to go back to making music.” It just feels a little like she’s copying me. Like, I know she’s leaving hers, but it was my idea to take a break from being professional musicians and get desk jobs. And like, in 2006 I broke up with this college football player I was seeing for three weeks in Colorado and then she got divorced from Kevin Federline. And then, like, in 2007 I totally forgot to go in for my hosting shift at my new fancy restaurant job and almost got fired, which totally freaked me out. And she had to go and shave her head and whack cars with umbrellas and hang out with Paris Hilton, and it’s like, Brits, can’t I just have this one thing?
But, benefit of the doubt, neither of us was that happy at our job. Britney was meant to spread joy and hip beats, not shatter the dreams of people who are also too fragile to probably be on national television. I am meant to file less often. In the end, we’re both happier, which is just going to make our friendship stronger.