There is nothing I hate worse than realizing I acted like an asshole. It makes me feel regret, which makes me think of The Last Unicorn, which makes me feel old because some of my younger friends don’t even know what that means. Yesterday, I ordered way too much pizza for my company’s lunch, which is wasteful of food and of money and made the CEO question my judgment. In ordering too much pizza, I was an asshole.
Just like me, sometimes celebrities act like assholes. I watched the Golden Globes on Sunday. Did you guys see the hilarious bit where Jonah Hill and Megan Fox came out to present an award and the (to my great relief*) again-chunky Jonah kept repeatedly shushing Megan and calling her “Sweetie”? There is something about a guy patronizing a woman onstage with traditional “women should be seen and not heard, especially pretty women” humor that makes him seem like a total asshole. Jonah Hill, I feel your pain.
But no one even remembered that Jonah Hill was an asshole misogynist on a night of comedic triumph for ladies, because Anne Hathaway couldn’t even let Jonah have the honor of being the biggest asshole in the room. God, women, right?! Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables and then tried to go for a second trophy for the night of Best Most Genuine Surprise Face Ever Accepting An Award She Genuinely Believed She COULD NOT LOSE. She thanked her husband for “the best string of yesterdays.” She quoted Tina Fey, to Tina Fey. Every time Les Miserables was mentioned her face said “DOES EVERYONE STILL REMEMBER THAT I WAS IN THAT?!” Then, she bum rushed the stage when Les Mis won Best Motion Picture in the Musical/Comedy to finish her acceptance speech before the producer could get to the mic. Oh, Anne. When I looked at all the pizza that was still in my company’s refrigerator today, I really got you. What a serious asshole. We both were.
Also, Mel Gibson was there and the cameras caught his face many times.
Just like me, celebrities can act like assholes. And just like me, they probably hate that feeling**. It’s ok, Anne Hathaway, Jonah Hill, Mel Gibson, and Lena Dunham who told everyone who lost Best Actress in a Television Series to her how much older than her they all were in her acceptance speech***, we all make mistakes. And we learn and grow from them. Next time, I will be more careful with quantities at lunchtime. And at the Oscars, Anne Hathaway…well, she’ll probably still act like a total asshole, but maybe just during her own acceptance speech.
*Skinny Jonah Hill really freaked me out.
**J/K. Celebrities can pay people to tell them they are making all the right moves. They never have to feel like assholes. That is for regular people.
***She has probably never heard of The Last Unicorn, but owns a t-shirt of it as, like, a statement about who we all are in a small apartment.