I care very slightly about college sports. When it’s my school, the University of Arizona. When they are winning. When the news literally throws itself in front of my face. Like, I think it’s fun to watch any team sport, but I don’t really care about the game or the outcome. I don’t usually seek out these games, but am always happy to be around when they’re on. I’d say that makes me roughly four percent past neutral about college sports.
If we are all really, really honest with ourselves, this is how everyone feels about Lance Armstrong. Y’all, we do not give a shit if he cheated. Let’s search deep down inside of ourselves and ask why we are so indignant. Are we mad because he did something dishonest that probably everyone else in his sport did? No. Are we mad because he raised a crapload of money for testicular cancer? No, without him and Tom Green, there would be no one to even speak up about men’s health issues. That would be immensely difficult, I would imagine.
Are we mad because we wore a stupid LiveStrong bracelet along with everyone else in our frat/sorority/youth group/self-founded teen theater group? If it wasn’t the yellow bracelet, it would have been something else. Live with that. Strongly. Are we mad that he made his fortune doing something dishonest? Look to the Kochs. Look to the Waltons. Look to Voldemort. Lance Armstrong is not so bad.
Are we mad because he bullied people and ratted on his teammates? Maybe fair. Are we mad that he was a dick to Sheryl Crow? Also pretty fair. But that is not why we’re mad. It’s not. Think about it. We’re not even that mad at Benedict Arnold or Chris Brown, a giant ass rat and a huge dick, respectively.
We are mad because we watched cycling and now we feel like we wasted precious moments of our lives on something that we knew deep down was unexciting, but were told was cool. This scandal might be the most predictable, mind-numbing thing I’ve watched since watching cycling. So let’s all be honest with ourselves. We are mad that we watched and cared. This is a tiny window into what it will be like when the Empire Kardashian finally crumbles in on itself. But more boring.
Let the healing begin.