Pocket Full of Kryptonite

Something lucky happened today. I was riding home on the G train, enjoying my good fortune at having darted in just before the doors shut. Chipotle in my bag and a song in my heart; life was sweet. I glanced casually down at the Cosmopolitan magazine cover on the lap of a seated passenger. It bore Miley Cyrus looking awesome (Sidenote: Is anyone else really into Miley right now? Like not her music more so than before, just her fun haircut and candid interviews.), a standard promise of  “Your Best Sex Ever”, some stuff about spring and backsides, and the eye-catching article title “The 3 Words You Must Never Say to a Guy.”Diddy knows

My interest was piqued. I thought guys were just male people who heard and said all the same words as women. What could the words possibly be? Could “tampon”, “kitten”, or “pregnant” be involved? I was desperate to know. I vowed not to speak till I knew, lest I inadvertently ruin everything.

Fortunately for me, I have a subscription to Cosmopolitan. It comes to my house every month. It was five dollars on Amazon. Don’t judge me. I plunked down my Chipotle Steak Burrito Bowl, once the feature of my evening, now relegated to a side note. And y’all, I found out the words.Noooooooo

“I look fat.” The words that no girl should ever say to any guy. If you have ever said these words together to a guy, you may as well have castrated him at his surprise birthday party in front of his parents and entire eighth grade class. You probably didn’t know, but trust me, you basically destroyed him from the inside out.

You won’t believe what those three words do to guys. They make them feel helpless and according to the article, “Guys hate feeling helpless.” It will also kill all the fun. According to the article’s author, an actual guy, his friend Will says, “As soon as a girl says those words, the night’s ruined.” The whole goddamn night. Is ruined.Ruined.

Worse, uttering, “I look fat,” plants seeds of doubt in guys’ minds. Why would you make your guy doubt you or worse, himself? What the fuck is wrong with you? Our guy author, Josh Aiello, who seems really great and is maybe single so keep your fingers crossed but your insecurities to yourself, tells us, his (I assume former) girl said “she was fat so often that when my parents came to visit, I didn’t introduce her to them. Why? Because I doubted what I saw when I looked at her was what other, more objective people saw.” You may be familiar with Josh Aiello’s biopic, Shallow Hal.

Also, ladies, when you say “I feel fat”, you make guys think they might be fat. And y’all, there is nothing worse than making someone feel bad about his body or his body image. Try thinking of others before you talk.

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