I’m The Greatest Star…I Am By Far

As anyone familiar with my meteoric rise through the public school and community theaters of Greensboro knows, I am no stranger to early success. I get the heady rush of being bigger than yourself and everyone you ever cared about. It’s not easy, guys.

Like, I can totally relate to how Justin Bieber felt after he wasn’t nominated for a Grammy, because in elementary school I thought I was going be Dolly in Annie Get Your Gun, but it turns out they were only giving leads to eight graders. Like Justin, I fought back. I was the best chorus girl I could be; he livestreamed a concert simultaneously with the Grammys. Like Justin, my art was disrespected. I had to dance in the back because I’m tall; Justin’s show crashed his site. But in the end, we were each vindicated. The girl playing the Dolly stabbed a teacher with a pencil so I got her part and Justin Instagramed a shirtless pouty-face picture that people talked about.JBiebs

And I completely get where Lady Gaga is coming from with her whole refusing to settle with her “FORMER BEST FRIEND” and former personal assistant who is suing her for $380,000 in unpaid overtime. This person, Jennifer O’Neil, is a hater, just as my mom was a hater the time I left my character shoes at home before rehearsal for Godspell and she brought them to me, but was cranky about it. O’Neil thinks just because she was made to sleep in the same bed as her boss, wasn’t given breaks for meals, and wasn’t allowed to be off call for the entirety of Lady Gaga’s Monster Ball Tour that she is entitled to overtime pay. What a bitch. Gaga has been perfectly reasonable, stating that she is “queen of the universe every day” and that her assistant is in the wrong for “not wanting to be a slave” to her. Despite everything, Gaga is helping. Even if she let Jennifer win the law suit, Gaga knows she’d just “go to Intermix and buy herself a new tube top.” Just like after dropping off my character shoes, my mom just used her afternoon to go home and take a nap. People never understand that serving an artist pays in honor.

If this girl doesn't know she could get the same tube top at American Apparel for less than $380k, she doesn't deserve the money.

If this girl doesn’t know she could get the same tube top at American Apparel for less than $380k, she doesn’t deserve that money.

But the celebrity struggle I can most identify with right now is obviously Kim and Kanye’s baby. Like, I’m sorry, but if that baby needs to get around airport security to make a connecting flight to LA, the TSA shouldn’t stand in its way. That baby is trying to grow inside of Kim Kardashian’s womb right now. He or she is busy. It’s just like that time I was late for The Wizard of Oz rehearsal because there was a bunch of traffic and my dad had to drive kind of fast to get there. When you are a gift, pedestrian strictures only inhibit what you’re giving to the world. I had to be at rehearsal and that baby needed to get through effing customs. Be grateful for us so we can be great for you.

Simple

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