Petulant Panda: Way to bring up Argo, the movie people are fucking bitter about
Awesome Opossum: did you see Argo?
Petulant Panda: i see what he did there
Awesome Opossum: i watched it last night
Petulant Panda: I haven’t seen it
Awesome Opossum: its good
Petulant Panda: Is this whole show going to be just Family Guy impressions mixed in with movie facts?
I could just hang out with any frat guy in the whole world to get that
Awesome Opossum: that seems likely
Petulant Panda: How did they make Seth McFarlane’s head smaller?
It’s usually so large and round
Petulant Panda: SHIT
Awesome Opossum: DAMMMMN
Petulant Panda: Mel Gibson’s voicemails=hilarious
ok, his jokes are pretty good
Awesome Opossum: 1 billion people, that’s how many also have NTDs @END_7
Petulant Panda: I respect you for that
Awesome Opossum: ok William Shatner looks like someone crazy drunk uncle
Petulant Panda: I’m going to re-edit this after the show to include countless references to my improv group and impending cabaret
He is a crazy drunk uncle
I wish Tina and Amy would host everything too
Awesome Opossum: samsies
also is that Samuel L Jackson in a purple velvet tux?
oh side note from Sven, Seth McFarland loves musical theater
Petulant Panda: Yes, I did know that
there are episodes of Family Guy that have entire numbers from actual musicals
He has a great voice
Awesome Opossum: he has a CD i think
Petulant Panda: I wish he had played Fantine-he’s much less annoying than Anne Hathaway
Awesome Opossum: um is the Gay Men’s chorus a real thing?
Petulant Panda: Yes
Awesome Opossum: his sarcasm is hard for me sometimes
Petulant Panda: Because he always sounds sarcastic
that happens to me sometimes too though-like I am being earnest and I sound like the biggest bitch
Awesome Opossum: also Channing Tatum is supposed to be in this opening session
Petulant Panda: Channing
Awesome Opossum: oh as i type
Petulant Panda: Excellent
Awesome Opossum: SWOON
dance channing, dance
Petulant Panda: I could not love this more
This is magical
Awesome Opossum: i how is charlize not just having sex with him on the stage
i wish Sven wasn’t here
do think he is going ot strip?
i am dying
Petulant Panda: I do not
Awesome Opossum: i think those are break away pants
Petulant Panda: This is a classy affair
with William Shatner
Ok, this is a good opening
Awesome Opossum: haha
Petulant Panda: Sock puppets=good comedy
Awesome Opossum: always
coke sucking sock puppets are even better
Petulant Panda: Cut aways to a dryer are the perfect button
Awesome Opossum: i really thought Channing Tatum was going to strip
Petulant Panda: I’m sorry that didn’t happen
Awesome Opossum: and only wear a sock?
see it coming together
i think it still might happen
Petulant Panda: you should have Magic Mike playing in a corner of your computer screen
Awesome Opossum: oh JGL
Petulant Panda: the Oscars showcase all your boyfriends
Awesome Opossum: two men on my top five within 5 mins
it’s too much
Petulant Panda: I LOVE this opening
Petulant Panda: I’m sorry I was a bitch about Seth McFarlane
Awesome Opossum: SWOON times two
i love JGL
esp. when doing a hand stand
Petulant Panda: I’m still going to boycott Family Guy though
Awesome Opossum: when you start dating someone, you won’t be able to boycott it
all men love it
don’t ask me why
Awesome Opossum: sally field looks good in that promo
Petulant Panda: she is so pretty
Awesome Opossum: oh that was awesome
love her face
like she doesn’t remember it
Petulant Panda: I know-she’s epic
Awesome Opossum: that’s awesome
i still have hopes for Channing to come back
Petulant Panda: I just squealed in my apartment
I love this opening
Awesome Opossum: LOVE IT
there he is
Petulant Panda: This opening is like my brain every day
Awesome Opossum: haha, I know.
Petulant Panda: I like the dress Melissa is wearing
Awesome: looks good!
i don’t like her hair though
its not 1984
Petulant Panda: And she’s not Delta Burke
Awesome: haha zing
Petulant Panda: Brave to wear a kilt to the Oscars
Awesome: i am totes wearing a kilt when i accept my Oscar
GREAT PUN btw
Petulant Panda: Thank you ma’am
make sure to tip your waitress
Petulant Panda: I really did love Les Miserables
Awesome: i didn’t see it
i do like Eddie
Petulant Panda: You should see it
Awesome: he is also part of the @END_7 campaign
Petulant Panda: the annoying parts are over early
Oh, really? What other celebrities are part of this?
Awesome: Emily Blunt
Petulant Panda: Harry Potter’s Malfoy?
Awesome: Yvonne Chaka Chaka (the princess of Africa)
and Tom Hollander
Petulant Panda: wow, a lot of celebrities are concerned with this important cause
with their help and the power of social media, we hope to make NTDs the next major issue in global health
oh zing on George Clooney
Petulant Panda: Zing indeed
Awesome: he just gave bitch face
that was awesome
Petulant Panda: he takes it better than Taylor Bitch Face Swift
Awesome: affirmative, samuel l jackson is wearing a velour suit
Petulant Panda: he’s pulling it off
i just know there’s a snakes on a plane joke in there somewhere
Awesome: there has to be
look at the guy’s hair
he is NOT effing around
Petulant Panda: whoa, Nelson called
and they said he can keep their look
Petulant Panda: (and also congratulations to this guy on achieving his life-long dream)
Awesome: i hope they play the Jaws theme song again when they try to get Anne Hathaway’s annoying ass off the stage
god he is so sexy
look at him
i can’t even sit still
Petulant Panda: They are great together
Like, perfect presenting couple
Awesome: i would do all those things for you Channing
touch him again Jen
you lucky lady
Petulant Panda: Wait, you want to wax Channing Tatum?
Awesome: side note, his wife is starring in a lifetime movie that airing tonight
i would do anything to be near channing tatum
Petulant Panda: Good for her! I bet he’s so proud of her and so supportive of her career
other than Les Mis, I do not think i’ve seen a single movie that is nominated tonight
unless Magic Mike sweeps with a write-in campaign
Awesome: i have seen:
so i feel very well informed
but i don’t think its out of the realm of possibility that Magic Mike will win as a write in
kelly and i looked at the james bond exhibit yesterday at the spy museum
so i feel well informed about this segment also
Petulant Panda: I’m jealous
Petulant Panda: I have neither been to the spy museum nor seen more than one Bond movie
you are not fully living life
Petulant Panda: I’m hideously under-qualified to be live-blogging these Oscars
Awesome: um what is happening?
you are qualified to JUDGE this
Petulant Panda: haha, thanks
i like it
Petulant Panda: i hope when i’m a senior citizen someone will pay me to sing sexily on stage with my tatas hanging out
Awesome: its taking itself a bit too seriously for my taste
i mean that is THE dream
ok Kerry Washington–that dress is a NO
that whole look is NO
she is much prettier than that
Petulant Panda: I was just thinking how much i like it
Awesome: do your hair, this is the Oscars
ugh no she can do so much better
she is so pretty
Petulant Panda: But she could kill it in a paper sack
yeah, she is
Awesome: but she doesn’t have to
so glam it up girl
if i looked like that i would wear a gown every effing day
Petulant Panda: I think being that gorgeous would make me lazy
like, I can just wear sweats
Awesome: also i think her and Jamie Foxx are totes doing it
Petulant Panda: Hmmm, porque?
Awesome: i just think it
its a feeling I have
i have nothing to base it on
Petulant Panda: I respect that. This isn’t the kind of blog that gets hung up on facts
Awesome: side note: this pasta and wine combo is making this harder on me
Petulant Panda: You’re doing great
Petulant Panda: I’m going to start drinking at 10
and i’m eating popcorn now
Awesome: i will be 5 hours ahead of you
how cute, eating popcorn and blogging about oscars
Petulant Panda: I’m working on being patently adorable no matter who is watching
Awesome: you are doing a good job
also a note about Argo
i think Ben Affleck always writes himself a shirtless scene in his own movies
not that anyone here is complaining
i am just letting you know
Petulant Panda: That is a ringing endorsement for Argo if I’ve ever heard one.
Awesome: it was essential to the plot line
Petulant Panda: I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be. I think it would help move along the plot of the Oscars if he would take his shirt off now.
Awesome: him and Channing should do it together
if you HAD to choose
Channing or Ben?
Petulant Panda: That’s the remake of Brokeback Mountain America is begging to see
Awesome: you have 5 seconds
Petulant Panda: Hmmm, Ben
Awesome: i would go Channing
glad there won’t be any conflicts
Awesome: we should do this for more things
Petulant Panda: agreed
we should for sure have done it for the superbowl
i feel like we missed an opportunity there
Petulant Panda: there’s going to be another one
Awesome: no one WILL EVER top Beyonce dismissing the rest of Destiny’s Child
like that was a one time only treat for America
Petulant Panda: that’s really true
Awesome: did you know she was wearing 6 pairs of panty hose?
Petulant Panda: What?
how do you know that?
Awesome: i read it somewhere
it keep her jiggle in
she didn’t want to be TOO Bootylicious
Awesome: Jennifer Garner looks like a muppet in that dress
Petulant Panda: the front is fine
the back is what makes her look like she’s wearing one of those backpack/leash things that little kids have to wear
Awesome: its not good
Petulant Panda: Oh yes, show John Travolta dancing around in drag on a jumbo tron
Awesome: i mean…
look at him
Petulant Panda: that will quell those rumors
do you think he’ll come out as gay or bald first?
Awesome: he is TOTES wearing a wig
Gay before Bald
Petulant Panda: this is great
Awesome: yeah girl
she looks amazing
Petulant Panda: This is the most musical-y the Oscars has been in forever
I love it
Awesome: she is really pulling this off
do you think Renee is SUPER PISSED right now?
she better not come out
Petulant Panda: They should really have let Anne go first
instead of real singers
also, Russell Crowe should not sing at all
Awesome: ugh i am glad she has to live up to something
i love that all real singers are coming out before Anne
the Oscar producers must extra hate her from last year
Petulant Panda: haha, what did she do last year?
Awesome: she hosted
Petulant Panda: oh, riiiggghhht
Awesome: with James Franco
and most people still haven’t recovers from the second hand embarrassment
like they blame James Franco for being high
Petulant Panda: This song was not originally in the musical. For good reason.
Awesome: oh EDDIE
Petulant Panda: Oh, your boy is nervous
so SO glad she is featured
Awesome: yeah she is in the real show in London right?
Poor Russell can’t even master hiding his mic cord.
Ok, I’m pouring myself some wine.
Awesome: oh plug your own horrid move Seth
Petulant Panda: Let’s please not start complimenting ourselves with words like “mediocre”
Awesome: take off your shirt Mark to distract us all
Petulant Panda: that would be good
he could join Ben and Channing in the shirtless section
Awesome: i think next year they should have a shirtless section for sure
that would really help with ratings
Petulant Panda: agreed
Awesome: also Seth’s voice for this teddy bear sounds just like Peter Griffin
Petulant Panda: But like, more annoying.
Awesome: A TIE?
Petulant Panda: That is indeed dumb
a tie=2 speeches
also, Trader Joe’s Sauvignon Blanc really peaks about five minutes after opening it
no, that sound of music joke is gold. Trust me.
i mean now i see Christoper Plumber is there
so it makes more sense
is this going to be how Anne Hathaway wins her goddamn Oscar?
this is so annoying
Christopher Plummer is too good for this
Awesome: oh im so humble, i was so great, but i won’t win
WINK–IM TOTES WINNING
Petulant Panda: WHO MEEEE? I could never win an Oscar…..
(checks in with humility coach Taylor Swift) for confirmation
Awesome: OH GOOD THING SHE IS THE FRONT ROW
wear a bra
this is the Oscars
you can find some tape or something supportive
oh jesus h. christ
Petulant Panda: for the love of god
Petulant Panda: this is all inCREDibly annoying
Awesome: i hope my dream comes true next
Petulant Panda: my skin itches
is your dream for someone to tackle her from the audience?
why is she so breathy and kind of British?
Petulant Panda: Because when you become that pretentious, there is no where to go but British
Awesome: i hope she wasn’t invited to Madonna’s Oscar party
that would be too much
we know you are married
and not to the criminal guy
thanks for reminding us
why the God Father when she leaves?
there must be a hidden meaning?
Petulant Panda: Because she’s going to get wacked
Awesome: Like Anne will be sleeping with the fishes soon
Petulant Panda: after this-she’s crossed a threshold of annoyance
Awesome: she will find a horses head in her dressing room
Petulant Panda: she can’t come back from it
she won’t be killed, just her career
Petulant Panda: I feel like we could be bffs
I think she’s overdone the botox
Awesome: i love when Suri’s burn book makes fun of her super cute baby
for always looking bored
Petulant Panda: Me too
he’s too cool for everything
I also feel like I could become serious besties with Rachel Dratch-her book is speaking to my heart
Awesome: i love that Argo keeps winning
Petulant Panda: oh, me too
it’s nice validation
even though I haven’t seen it
Awesome: Adele looks amazing
Petulant Panda: truth
I wish I could wear that dress for my cabaret, This is the City, at The Duplex in NYC at 6:30 PM on Sunday, March 10th
Petulant Panda: Oh, I like them presenting
I know you don’t like K-Stew
Awesome: no i don’t like anything she des
Petulant Panda: but I’m a fan
Awesome: STAND UP STRAIGHT
wash your hair
and act like a grown up
she looks like she just woke up
Petulant Panda: Maybe she did
The Oscars go so late
Petulant Panda: I heard that the in memorium tribute is super intense to get into
probably the dead people don’t care, but their family/friends/agents care a great deal
Awesome: I feel like they always leave somone out
Petulant Panda: I am also not a great person because I don’t really care about this unless one of the deceased is a Golden Girl
Awesome: oh i do love Norah Ephron, I am sad she is dead
Petulant Panda: me too
She does last-go trades just like my mom
Awesome: she does?
i love all her books
Petulant Panda: Oh
Petulant Panda: This is the Tony’s of the Oscars
Awesome: misty water colored MEMORIES
Petulant Panda: I love it
Awesome: OH i love it when she sing talks
do think Sex and the City ruined that movie?
Petulant Panda: Ok, I am now crying over Marvin Hamlish’s death
Awesome: also girlfriend is rocking some fake hair
Petulant Panda: i try to forget about S and the C when I think of that movie
Awesome: at the end of the movie though really all I could think was the Robert Redford was a deadbeat dad
how did he not ask about his daughter
Petulant Panda: yeah, that was a huge part of it
that was totally not addressed
Awesome: like “how is Rachel”?
Petulant Panda: do you think that’s an anachronism?
Awesome: um HI you are her dad
no i think it was just a terrible plot hole
because the move was just about the two of them
so he couldn’t be involved in her life after they break up
Petulant Panda: Which will totally fly with Rachel’s psychologist when she’s older
REGARDLESS that is a great movie song/movie title
name another good movie that shares a title with its them song
The Sound of Music
that’s about it
Petulant Panda: what about Grease?
Petulant Panda: Titanic and the Titanic song?
Awesome: wow they are really bringing back Chicago
Petulant Panda:yeah, I think they’re setting up Les Mis to win Best Picture
Petulant Panda: which I like, since it’s the only one I’ve seen
Awesome: which is annoying mostly because of anne hathaway
i have not seen it
but i have seen lots of others
Petulant Panda: She is really hardly in it. I feel okay saying mean things about her now, since she has her SAG Award to protect against negative thoughts and feelings.
oh according to Perez the producers of this year’s oscars produced Chicago
so know we know why they keep bringing it up
Petulant Panda: Ah
that makes sense
The music from Life of Pi all sounds like “Come Little Children” from Hocus Pocus, based on what I’ve heard on the Oscars
who is this lady?
i like her
Awesome: Norah Jones
she also supports@END_7
Petulant Panda: Oh
she looks different
Awesome: how much looooonger is this?
Petulant Panda: Maybe to infinity
I feel like i could go to bed, wake up and there would still be Oscars
Awesome: i also cant believe Moonrise Kingdom didn’t get nominated for more things
Petulant Panda: I haven’t seen it
Awesome: oh its really good, you would really like it
Petulant Panda:whenever i see Charlize Theron I think of her Arrested Development Character
Awesome: haha truth
omg QT is super drunk
look at his tie
he is a hot mess
also he has a surprisingly high pitched voice for a man of his stature yes?
um HOW IRONIC they play Gone with the Wind to play him off stage
the Oscars music producers have a major sense of humor
Petulant Panda: Yeah, they deserve two awards for Best Score of an Awards Show Season 2013 and for Best Sweet Subtle Burns
Jesus, if you want to know how to age gracefully take a look at Jane Fonda
she looks amazing
i bet she is older than Michael Douglas
Petulant Panda: This show could use a LOT fewer pregnant pauses, btw
Petulant Panda: Do you think she signed a deal with the devil or found the right genie in the right bottle?
Petulant Panda: Covered all her bases
I really, really like that last year’s winners present to this year’s winners
like some sort of cross-gendered homecoming queen ritual
Awesome: yeah i like too
i like jennifer lawrence
but i am not sure she should win
i love her as Katniss
which you would know NOTHING about
Petulant Panda: yeah, but i think she has more Oscar-worthy performances ahead of her
Awesome: me too
do you think that little girl is going to win?
Petulant Panda: haha, I also know nothing about Silver Linings, but I still have an opinion
Awesome: i think DDL is def going to win
Petulant Panda: probs
I wouldn’t mind if Hugh won
he was really, really good
and I saw the movie he’s in
that is the ONLY movie you saw
Awesome: Joaquin is waaay too cool to win an Oscar
he doesn’t even care
Meryl already knew
she didn’t even open the envelope!
did you notice that??
Petulant Panda: It’s on the teleprompter
its funnier in my imagination
Petulant Panda: Sorry to ruin what could have been an awesome conspiracy theory
Awesome: why do they all open the envelopes then?
Petulant Panda: it looks nice? it’s tradition from before teleprompters?
It’s a way to milk your two seconds on stage presenting
Awesome: well it made her look cool
i liked it
Petulant Panda: DDL has the best acceptance speech of the evening
overall, the best actor/actress winners have the best speeches
ok so now its almost over yes?
Petulant Panda: God, I hope so
You feel like it is, but the last bit of the Oscars is sort of like the last few minutes of football
Awesome: she looks AWESOME
Petulant Panda: She is so beautiful
Awesome: and she is just hanging around her house
in a gown
Petulant Panda: Yeah, I’m dressed pretty similarly in my home
i mean she is WEARING that dress
Best Dressed goes to Michelle Obama
Petulant Panda: Yeah, no one can contest it
Awesome: she owns those bangs too
Petulant Panda: I also LOVE her for championing arts for our young people
Dear Clooney and Affleck, no beards please
Awesome: i like Ben’s beard
why didn’t they let whole cast up there?
don’t they usually do that?
Petulant Panda: maybe everyone wants to get the EFF out of there
Awesome: i mean it was a big cast
and full of basically non famous people
Petulant Panda: Who may already be at after parties
or not invited
oh i love him so much
Petulant Panda: what if they pan to the audience and everyone is gone?
Guys, just like Seth MacFarlane, whose name is creatively spelled throughout this blog post, thank you so much for joining us tonight! We had a great time; I hope you did! For everyone who didn’t get to to go the Oscars tonight and is still awake reading this, good luck at work tomorrow. I’ll see you at Starbucks.
PS Chenoweth, I love you.