There Is Just One Thing I Need

Ever since she got fired from Fox News and the election was over and the buzz about Game Change died down, no one has been talking about Sarah Palin. Christmas was over and it’s hard for Protestants to really blow out Lent in a showy, public way and she can’t talk about Jew holidays or Ramadan. Congress is literally throwing this country to Hell in a hand basket, but Sarah Palin doesn’t have any interest in that silliness. Having the answers to political conundrums is hard and boring. What on earth was a lipstick clad hockey mom to do? Take some time, educate herself, and come back gracefully into the spotlight? Fade quietly into the Alaskan wilderness to take care of the family she claims should be the number one priority in America, eclipsing civil rights for all? Stalk Julianne Moore until she can kill her, skin her, and wear her on TV to publically apologize for mocking Sarah Palin on HBO?

Be careful Julianne!

Be careful Julianne!

No, Sarah Palin is writing a book entitled, A Happy Holiday IS a Merry Christmas, which will encourage people to stray from their politically correct ways and obeisance to the golden calf of commercialism and put the CHRIST back in Christmas*. We all know that the much persecuted Christian religion is always coming under fire from groups that think they don’t have to follow it because they have their “own religious beliefs” or want “separation of church and state” or to “not sharing the same beliefs”. I feel oppressed by all those groups just typing all those things. Also, when you fear your treasured religious holiday is being over-commercialized, make sure to profit off that fear.

If I may be so bold, I’ll suggest that Sarah Palin is not doing this solely because of her ceaseless devotion to the Lord or the dollar. It’s possible she’s writing a controversial Christmas book in March because she wants attention. And it frankly disgusts me.disgusted

Recently at work, I made a new best friend; the Lascivious Lemur. He is good at math. He’s taught me a lot, but the reason we’re new best friends is because he taught me to commoditize attention. Attention is like cookies or bricks or Electoral College votes; it can be quantified and bartered for. When the Lascivious Lemur needs attention, he just asks for it. When I need attention, I just tell him, “I need attention.” In return, I must give attention when it’s requested of me. Simple. Honest.

If you want to make money selling a book that tells people not to spend money to support the crass commercialism of Christmas, I get it, I’ve seen Step Up 4: Revolution. But if all you want attention, be an adult and ask**.

Attention Please

Attention please!



*SPOILERS for everyone on my holiday shopping list, of all religions, you will be getting this as a present from me, stuffed in a stocking, held by an angel, sitting on Santa’s shoulder, in a manger.


**Or be smart, funny, or otherwise contribute to society in a non-fear mongering way.


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