Congressman Steve Stockman, Giving Rick Santorum’s Logical Prowess A Run For Its Money

RAGE

When I first read about this, I Hulked out in rage. Now that I’ve realized that this statement is predicated on the fact that of course any woman who wants to terminate her pregnancy deserves to be literally destroyed from the inside by her unborn fetus, my blood has cooled back to liquid form and I’m left only with questions.

  • How would the fetus get the gun without a medical procedure?
  •  Fingers aren’t fully formed or useful until the 10th or 11th week in utero and abortion is only legal into the 12th week. How is a baby supposed to use a gun without opposable thumbs?
  • Who is going to manufacture these tiny guns? Large profit potential aside, this is a PR nightmare for any company that decides to take it on.
  • How are the embryos supposed to pay for these guns? Are we starting them out in life with a credit card and encouraging a constant descent into debt from which only death can bring relief? Or is the state supplying these guns? I’m not sure I’m comfortable letting fetuses live off the tax payer’s dime so early on. These fetuses need to stop asking for handouts.
  • Where is this fetus supposed to gestate once it has stood its ground with its mother and doctors? Are we, the tax payers, going to have to be responsible for their habitats?
  • Who is going to teach these bundles of cells how to properly use their firearms? US Marshals? Do we know if they are even good with children?
  • Is it irresponsible to encourage children in a precognitive developmental stage to use guns? How young is too young?
  • Is this program designed for all embryos? I’m not saying that I’m more uncomfortable with a minority zygote having a gun than a white zygote, but it’s something that should be discussed.
  • Is this the absolute top of white male privilege* for a congressman to say this as part of his reelection campaign or will something even worse happen?

I’m relieved to leave the answers to these questions in the wise and capable hands of our elected officials and glad that they’re focusing on the issues that are absolutely the most pressing and relevant.

*White female privilege means that CNN will talk about you if you’ve been abducted but that you’re not as important as a tiny bundle of cells growing inside of you.

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One thought on “Congressman Steve Stockman, Giving Rick Santorum’s Logical Prowess A Run For Its Money

  1. Can I nominate you for Congress? You’re clearly prepared to ask the hard-hitting questions everyone else is afraid of.

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