Life’s But A Walking Shadow

Welp, goddammit, you guys. Up is down and down is up. Everyone I find annoying is being awesome. I feel like I should just stop having opinions*. There are female celebrities who I find inherently irritating (there are annoying male celebrities too, but good grief, Dane Cook/Justin Bieber/Chris Martin, not everything is about you) and a lot of them are doing things I really, really like.

Originally the least annoying of the annoying bunch, Rihanna is kind of famous for being pretty and well auto-tuned. She is not famous for good judgement or looking like a genius. Between her disastrous press tour this year, her repeatedly taking back the most unrepentant human being alive, and her constant Instagramming, Rihanna has been annoying me for a while. This weekend, Amanda Bynes (who is not annoying, but very sad) went after her for being ugly and Rihanna gently showed her the meaning of shade and moved along, like a lady.burn
Moving right along, Beyoncé re-won me. Dammit Beyoncé, I thought I could quit you. I haven’t believed a baby conspiracy like Folding Pillowgate since realizing that Bristol Palin probably gave birth to Trig Palin (the truth is out there, people). I haven’t been so tired of a facade of perfectionism since every single time Gwynneth Paltrow conveys an opinion. I haven’t felt like someone was too harsh on the other members of Destiny’s Child since Destiny’s Child was still a band. But on the 27th of May in this year of 2013, Beyoncé was recorded being slapped on her butt by a fan, unsolicited. Dude, not cool. Instead of using the powers you know she has she just calmly tells him she will have him escorted out and moves on with her life. I feel sure this guy will never touch a woman without her explicit permission again. Because he’s dead, but still.

Her actions do not exonerate her for the weirdness of this commercial.

Her actions do not exonerate her for the weirdness of this commercial.

Lastly, and perhaps most betrayal to the deepest core of me of all, I now sort of stand behind Angelina Jolie. Like, am I over Jen and Brad’s break-up? Obviously not. Have I moved on and found a deeper meaning to life? No, silly. But, but, but. I honestly can’t imagine the huge amount of courage it takes to go through a double mastectomy to prevent breast cancer. To do that in private is scary enough. To do it in public as a way to be a touchstone for other women going through this difficult and personal decision must be terrifying. It was incredibly brave and a selfless thing to do. And, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, people need to back off of Angelina Jolie. Male doctors who keep saying “this isn’t for everyone”, who obviously didn’t bother to read her press release. People who think she’s doing this for publicity. Dudes who keep talking about the passing of her boobs as though they are separate from her self as a whole. Back off. Please don’t make me say it again; it burns.panda-afp
So, rock on lady celebrities. You’ve shaken my belief system to its core, as though feelings about celebrities are based on arbitrary, second-hand experiences, rather than cold, hard facts. Thank God I still have Anne Hathaway and the eternally cloying Zooey Deschanel.

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