Last week was not the best week of my life. On Monday, i scratched my eye and had to wear glasses all week. On Wednesday, the Pandas’ beloved family dog, Gold, had to go live on a farm. In Heaven. On Friday, my bathroom ceiling started to cave in. It was not my week, but i shouldn’t complain. I didn’t have it anywhere near as difficult as Jonah Hill. Guys, an interviewer asked Jonah Hill what kind of farter he is.
Guys? Jonah Hill? Is a serious actor. He was in a bunch of movies Judd Apatow casts. And then he was in a movie that Judd Apatow didn’t even cast. It was called Moneyball? It starred Fellow Serious Actor Brad Pitt who never gets asked about farts because he’s a serious actor? There were Oscar nominations involved? Maybe you’ve *heard* of it? It’s about *baseball*? (I think. I haven’t seen it.) So like, were all the questions about his journey to creating a character already taken? Were all the questions about his extensive training, primarily being in movies cast by Judd Apatow, already used up? Did anyone ask Jonah Hill when he’s doing Pinter or maybe joining Paris Hilton in Manhattan Theatre Club’s production of the Apple Tree? Was that literally the last question left in the entire universe?
Also? Gang? Jonah Hill is BFFs with Leonardo DiCaprio now. He hangs out with models. Jonah Hill only involves himself in serious, artistic endeavors. Just because Jonah Hill’s break out role was in a movie where he and all his roommates farted on each other’s pillows and then got pinkeye and that was a major plot point doesn’t mean that farts are still on the table. His like, bro for life for serious, Leo DiCap played a member of the family in Growing Pains in his breakout role. Do you think people still ask if Leonardo liked working with Kirk Cameron or Alan Thicke better? No, I guess they fucking don’t, so do not ask Jonah Hill about his farts. Just, like, don’t. ‘Cause he hangs out with models now and it’s like, uggghhhhh, just, like, please don’t ask him.
Lastly? Peeps? Jonah? Hill? Serious? Actor? Is not going to come out with personal details about his life. A real actor, which you guys and all of the Philistines at Rolling Stone would not know any fucking thing about, is a blank canvas. Like, if Jonah Hill gives away that personal detail about himself in some interview, and then he plays a character with a different style of farting in a movie, that hurts that character’s credibility. Now instead of watching Margaret Thatcher let out a little whoopsie, you’re distracted by knowing that’s not organic to Jonah Hill, the actor behind the character. Gangalang? That is how we ruin Hollywood’s magic for ourselves.
Something Jonah Hill should be incredibly proud of is coming across as a persona and an actor who takes himself even more seriously than James Franco, which is no small feat, even for an actor of Jonah Hill’s magnitude. I am personally looking very forward to watching Mr. Hill stretch himself by playing himself in the cinematic endeavor This is the End.