Guys, I went to the National Zoo with the Awesome Opossum this weekend. A LOT of cool things happened, but I played it super cool, as I’m wont to do. We obviously headed over to see the pandas first, where everyone was relaxed and no one fan-girled out, including the Awesome Opossum…… Ok, who I am kidding? The male panda was all tuckered out, which enabled us to really snap some pics, the way that Lindsey Lohan’s enablers probably do in case things ever go south for them. The lady panda was way more excited, so she paced all over her indoor and outdoor habitats. I could only kind of relate. We were obviously amped up to see each other, but she’s got some extra business going on since the zoo is trying to inseminate her with a new baby panda*, which will hopefully be smooth sailing and emotionally restorative for her. She’s doing great. Lots of other cool animal things happened. We saw an elephant take a bath. We made friends with a little kid who showed us where to find the elephant and allowed us in turn to show him where to look for the panda. We saw otters playing. We saw an orangutan get right up to the glass in his indoor habitat and make faces at tourists. Then we saw an asshole put his whole iPad in front of that orangutan so no one else could see him or take a picture of him. Then we saw the orangutan go tell his friend, who was hammocking outside, all about the asshole; talking smack about a stranger just like we were doing! We saw a sliver backed gorilla cuddle her baby, and a little girl wearing the cutest seersucker dress and a panda backpack, and we saw a tiger lounging. To send our Washington, DC National Zoo experience off with the appropriate fanfare, we saw the male lion stand up in his habitat and roar and then hack like he was coughing up a hairball. I usually try to imbue my posts with a little irony and sardonic wit, but this zoo trip is way above any cynicism I could lean on to try to make this funny and less cheesy. It’s fascinating to see exotic animals and sad to see them in cages. Sadder still, many of these animals are endangered by people who are destroying their habitats and poaching them for their coats or to be sold as exotic pets. That’s assholery even above blocking an orangutan from everyone else’s view with your iPad. I shamelessly poach pictures of animals from the internet all the time** but I do send a little cash every month to the World Wildlife Fund which spends its resources protecting these animals. As the group at the top of the food chain, we owe it to them to protect and preserve. *Fun panda fact: all pandas, regardless of birth country or personal citizenship desire, belong to China. It is prettttttty important not to have a panda get sick or die on your watch if you are a nation lucky enough to be allowed to borrow one.
**All photos in this post are courtesy of the Awesome Opossum’s iPhone, btw.
Also, Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! Thanks for always reading.