Hey kittens. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. I know the internet cannot survive on memes alone*. You guys, everything is fucked. Hundreds of thousands of Americans are out of a job now that John Boehner and his motley crew have decided to throw a fit over the President’s refusal to compromise on a law that already passed through all three branches of the Federal Government three years ago. Sorry, people who like paychecks; Michelle Bachman thinks things are no fair.
In other no fair news, Tom Hanks has Type II diabetes, which I really can’t handle. Guys, I love my parents so much. And sometimes, something will happen that reminds me that they are getting older, like when my dad had shoulder surgery or when my mom asks me to like something on the Facebook for her because she doesn’t understand how it works. But my parents have never been an alcoholic baseball coach of a professional women’s team during World War II. And my parents have never been a loveable, dumb with brains, brilliant with heart shrimp boat captain. And my parents have never fucking lived in an apartment with a blonde roommate never to be heard from again while dressing terribly as women to take advantage of the sweet lady roommates deals we get. Would it be possible to stop Tom Hanks from aging? Taking calls from wizards.
But that’s not the only reason things are fucked. Guys, dammit. Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are trying for another baby. If you aren’t familiar with TLC’s 18  Kids and Counting, congratulations on doing something more useful with your time, and also the Duggars are the Kardashians of the Ozarks. There are 19 tangible products of Jim Bob and Michelle’s marriage, all of whose names start with “J”. The eldest, and least creatively named child, Josh is already married with three children, whose names start with “M”. Their trying for another child is bad news for the overpopulated earth, fans of the far superior TLC mega-family program Sister Wives, and of course Michelle Duggar’s poor beleaguered internal organs. Bless them through this ordeal most of all.
And just to put the f word cherry on the giant f bomb sundae, Kris and Bruce Jenner are getting divorced. Oh, I know you are thinking that you don’t care. Sure, of course. I don’t watch the Kardashians’ programs either (even I have standards). But I do watch the news. I do live in a world that includes media. Y’all, Bruce Jenner was the last stretched out tie to Kris Jenner’s dignity. Now that he’s out of the picture, it is basically time to prepare for the sex tape worst.
I’m going to just hunker down and listen to “Wrecking Ball” on repeat, because apparently Bruce Jenner was the last tie to my dignity too.
*J/K obviously. Memes are the protein of the internet. Words are the chocolate sprinkles that you sometimes get when there are no rainbow sprinkles but you don’t want the calorie splurge of a real topping on the frozen yogurt you occasionally treat yourself with when you have a really bad period.