Well, well, well. Look out pandas, I’m back.
Not that I went anywhere per se, except into the world of being busy with work and improv and a social life and flimsy excuses to not write….
And I have been doing one other thing; I’ve been online dating. Regardless of what Neil Clark Warren and my mom would have you believe, it is the fucking worst. Guys, I would not wish the fate of online dating on anyone. However, I am turning 29+ in short order and no less than six of my friends have gotten engaged since August. And I’m fine with adding a year to 29 in my age. Totally fine. Really, really fine. But it does light a tiny fire under one’s new Steve Madden wedge sneakers that were free at a sample sale she saw after brunch. And cute wedge sneakers probably melt, so I’m not going to fuck around.
In case your New Year’s resolution list includes “Getting out there!”, allow me to provide you with some tips I learned in the field in 2014:
- Don’t commit to brunch as a first date; brunch should only ever be pleasurable.
- Never turn your nose up at a date location where the game is on. ANY GAME. It gives you a place to look when you’re wondering how your life turned out this way.
- Only meet a date in a public place. Your worst fear should be self-loathing, not being chopped into pieces.
- Always have a plan for where you have to go after the date; it can be fictitious, but never think just because you’re having a bad time that your flimsy, “Oh, I have a place to be where a thing is happening” won’t be scrutinized by your partner in awkward conversation.
- If someone apologizes more than once for being in the bathroom when you arrived…I don’t know, but this might happen so just know that I guess.
- If someone is even slightly creepy at the beginning of a date, he will eventually touch the spot where your bra and your back fat meet. Please, please do not stick around long enough for this to happen to you.
- If a guy will date someone 15 years his junior but not someone his own age do not go out with him for he is an asshole.
- Do not reply “Bullshit” or snort water out of your nose when someone tells you he does Crossfit and/or anything else there’s no way in hell he does for then you are the asshole.
- Kill all hope of finding true love online. Better to hope to that you will not be touched in the place where your bra meets your back fat or that your date will not mostly consist of you trying to find by feel where you put your phone.
- Never regret these bad dates; they are the best stories.