I’m Never Eating At A Benihana Again. I Don’t Care Whose Birthday It Is.

Yesterday, I saw The Wolf of Wall Street. And while it was no Frozen (Best Film of All Time, Forever), it was really, really good. I’ve seen a lot of articles about how the movie glorifies Jordan Belfort’s lifestyle and glamorizes everything he did. That was definitely my criticism of the preview, but the movie itself was more of a behind the monster’s mask, like watching how Hannibal Lector a complete sociopath even while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There are people who will think what Jordan Belfort did is awesome, but those people are terrible and don’t only work in finance.

Pan Am Forever

Like the people who cancelled Pan Am

The cast was phenomenal. Margot Robbie should be in all the things all the time. Rob Reiner was scary and funny like your favorite of your friends’ dads. Sexy Sean from The Walking Dead (Jon Bernthal) was simultaneously the smarmiest and most likeable character in the film. Ugh, even Jonah Hill was perfect in his weirdness, which I’m sure he’ll agree with by yelling at an interviewer soon, though watching him party on a yacht with Leonardo DiCaprio and a bunch of beautiful women was something I’ve seen somewhere before…. Even the Mother from How I Met Your Mother (and Tony Nominated actress from the musical Once), Cristin Milioti, was amazing as the flimsy lightening rod of morality and the only character to mention the fates of the victims of Belfort’s fraud.

And Leo….our first boyfriend from Titanic, Romeo + Juliet, who stayed together with us after we left for college when he made Catch Me If You Can, and grew up with us during Revolutionary Road…he was great. Leonardo DiCaprio gave the performance of his almost-exclusively-done-with-a-generic-Urban-New-York-Accent career.

And that is good guys, because he….looks old.

MAYBE

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t still love him. He’s still got it. But, dear God and Martin Scorsese, please do not let me see another movie that opens with Leonardo DiCaprio playing a twenty-two year old. Please. Puh-LEASE. If we lived in a world where the best person for every role was cast, regardless of whether or not they were a little long in the tooth and were used to suspending our disbelief, that might be one thing. Or if Leo’s boyishly good looks were playing a wide-eyed ingénue on stage, far from the clear focus of a close-up, that might be another.

By the end of the movie, when Belfort is in his mid-thirties as a hard-partying drug addict that felt honest. But at the start, it was asking a lot to portray Leonardo DiCaprio as the Peggy Sawyer of Prime Brokerages, especially by casting him opposite the agelessly sexy Matthew McConaughey who was thirty-five a score ago and will be thirty-five a score from now. I’m sure there are plenty of roles for a man Leo’s age to play (certainly a fuckload more than for his female contemporaries, as is evidenced by movies like The Wolf of Wall Street). Let’s let him do those now. It’s time.

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