Everything happens for a reason is hard to hear that when you’re in the throes of a tragedy like a drunk girl dropping her phone on the subway tracks or the victim of a tsunami that hits the entire eastern part of your country. But morn not me in 2012 or all citizens the eastern half of Japan; your suffering is all part of a synchronicity that child and teen star Andrew Keegan keyed into and used to start his own religion. Zack Dell from Camp Nowhere, bless us all.
You see, Andrew Keegan or the guy from the fold out poster I hung on my wall after cutting it out of Tiger Beat has started his own religion based on the premise that all the world’s suffering is synched up because he and two of his bros got mugged at the same time that 15,889 people perished, $34 billion worth of damage occurred, and nuclear reactors exploded in one of the largest tsunamis in recorded history hit Japan. Time truly is a flat circle and I for one am shocked. Not just because I would have pegged one or both of the Carter brothers as the heartthrob(s) from the late 90’s / early aughts as the one(s) to start a cult. And not just because Larry Miller seemed to be the most natural spiritual leader of the cast of Ten Things I Hate About You. And not just because Keegan’s followers seem to be people who got sidetracked on their way home from Coachella and those kinds of people usually hate hipster bullshit that includes crystals and a nostalgia-inspiring figurehead.
I’m shocked because it took this long for us to get a hot religious leader. What the heck, religious world? Buddha seems like a dad, depictions of Jesus are way too photo-shopped to tell, and I’ve never even seen an image of Muhammad. In terms of more modern leaders, David Miscavige is too intense, Manson too needy, Oprah is too unwilling to consistently lead. Finally, there’s someone who knows how to smolder as he incites our spirits burn with fervor. And while I would prefer to follow Matt Camden of Seventh Heaven over Mary Camden-Rivera’s cast-off, Wilson West, I’m in one hundred percent.