Now We Don’t Have To Wait For Our Lives To Be Over

There is no group of strangers I care more about than the cast of Dawson’s Creek. There are shows I might be more loyal to (Happy Endings, 90210) but not casts. I care about each and every one of them, from Joshua Jackson to Marybeth Peil to Busy Phillipps. Did you know the world’s most perfect man (if appearances are to be believed) Ken Marino was on the Creek? I did. Did you know that your favorite bad boy, Michael Pitt was Jen’s serious boyfriend who she cradle-robbed from the freshman class? I did. Did you know that Busy Phillipps and Michelle Williams are each other’s’ rocks? I. Did. Thanks.

So, I am super thrilled second only to the time I saw Katie Holmes walking on the disgusting sidewalk next to the Duane Reade across the street from Madison Square Garden (she looked like a supermodel and walked like an angel finally given wings) to tell you guys about this website I stumbled upon while reading Jezebel.com comments on a Saturday night like the hip urbanite I am. Featuring the member of the Creek cast most likely to fade into obscurity who instead flipped everything on its head and became the celebrity Luke Perry never had the courage to be (that’s right, I said it), James Van Der Beek proves that he’s more man than Chad Michael Murray will ever be and more internet hero than we’ll ever deserve. I give you, Van Der Memes.

Every moment you don’t click on the link is another moment you don’t understand what it is to truly be alive.

Dawson

 

Advertisements

I’m Never Eating At A Benihana Again. I Don’t Care Whose Birthday It Is.

Yesterday, I saw The Wolf of Wall Street. And while it was no Frozen (Best Film of All Time, Forever), it was really, really good. I’ve seen a lot of articles about how the movie glorifies Jordan Belfort’s lifestyle and glamorizes everything he did. That was definitely my criticism of the preview, but the movie itself was more of a behind the monster’s mask, like watching how Hannibal Lector a complete sociopath even while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There are people who will think what Jordan Belfort did is awesome, but those people are terrible and don’t only work in finance.

Pan Am Forever

Like the people who cancelled Pan Am

The cast was phenomenal. Margot Robbie should be in all the things all the time. Rob Reiner was scary and funny like your favorite of your friends’ dads. Sexy Sean from The Walking Dead (Jon Bernthal) was simultaneously the smarmiest and most likeable character in the film. Ugh, even Jonah Hill was perfect in his weirdness, which I’m sure he’ll agree with by yelling at an interviewer soon, though watching him party on a yacht with Leonardo DiCaprio and a bunch of beautiful women was something I’ve seen somewhere before…. Even the Mother from How I Met Your Mother (and Tony Nominated actress from the musical Once), Cristin Milioti, was amazing as the flimsy lightening rod of morality and the only character to mention the fates of the victims of Belfort’s fraud.

And Leo….our first boyfriend from Titanic, Romeo + Juliet, who stayed together with us after we left for college when he made Catch Me If You Can, and grew up with us during Revolutionary Road…he was great. Leonardo DiCaprio gave the performance of his almost-exclusively-done-with-a-generic-Urban-New-York-Accent career.

And that is good guys, because he….looks old.

MAYBE

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t still love him. He’s still got it. But, dear God and Martin Scorsese, please do not let me see another movie that opens with Leonardo DiCaprio playing a twenty-two year old. Please. Puh-LEASE. If we lived in a world where the best person for every role was cast, regardless of whether or not they were a little long in the tooth and were used to suspending our disbelief, that might be one thing. Or if Leo’s boyishly good looks were playing a wide-eyed ingénue on stage, far from the clear focus of a close-up, that might be another.

By the end of the movie, when Belfort is in his mid-thirties as a hard-partying drug addict that felt honest. But at the start, it was asking a lot to portray Leonardo DiCaprio as the Peggy Sawyer of Prime Brokerages, especially by casting him opposite the agelessly sexy Matthew McConaughey who was thirty-five a score ago and will be thirty-five a score from now. I’m sure there are plenty of roles for a man Leo’s age to play (certainly a fuckload more than for his female contemporaries, as is evidenced by movies like The Wolf of Wall Street). Let’s let him do those now. It’s time.

It’s Just Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby

Football Tonys

 

Or the finale of Smash for sports people. Or the PS2 release season for sports people. Or a new baby for sports people. It’s annoying, but the main function of social media on this 2013th year of our Lord is to inundate people who like you in real life over the internet with something so personally exciting as to literally bore to death those who don’t care about it.

Follow me on Twitter (@petulantpanda13) to hear all about the baby panda at the National Zoo and all about throw pillows!

IDGAF That It’s Not Monday

20130814-231053.jpg

Things I also do not give fucks about:

Kevin Federline’s marriage happened this weekend and is old news.

The amount of Bicardi I’m going to sip like it’s your birthday, though it is not.

That Kim Kardashian has emerged from postpartum hiding.

Where North West’s first photo is published.

How many calories are in the Thai food I’m about to eat.

Simon Cowell’s whole life experience.

Things I give lots of fucks about:

What Kevin Federline wore for his wedding (HOW CAN HE TOP HIS TRACK SUIT FROM MARRIAGE NUMERO UNO?!).

This video, set by Pandito.

How delicious the Thai food I’m about to eat will be.

Global warming.

This newly named animal, the olinguito, who is cute and scary at the same time, like a mean baby.

Any and everything Shannen Doherty is doing or saying.

 

A Little Story From Out West

Happy Monday little pandas! Sorry there are no memes, all the news seemed either too sad (wage disparity, the second attack on protesters in Egypt, every train/plane/boat crash) or too obvious (Lindsey Lohan is out of rehab on Thursday, Shep Smith loves True Blood, the royal baby is in the world) to meme this week. Please accept this panda picture and a little story instead.Panda

Last week, I was in Wyoming for my cousin’s wedding. I saw two moose and rode a horse who did not care for me, so it was all very exciting. I also met a guy who commutes between Jackson Hole and Boston. Let’s call him Ralph. We chatted at the rehearsal dinner and kind of hit it off. He makes software, I make calendar appointments. He likes mountains and I like improv comedy.

Whenever I mention that I do improv, most people react by telling me how funny they are. This is incredibly weird to me, given that when someone tells me that he is a lawyer, I don’t talk about the time I argued my way out of a speeding ticket from a bike cop in college. Ralph told me a story about how he and his friends think it’s so funny to go out and make up facts about themselves when they talk to girls. It bears mentioning that Ralph is in his forties.

I am currently trying to be more open-minded in my dating life so even though a million tiny, creepy bells were going off in my head, I told myself to not be a bitch.

By the reception the following evening, the bells in my head were getting louder and creepier though not from tangible behavior so I just tried to remain close to my family and be cool. However, just like a fawn in the woods, at some point I had to separate myself out to go get some cake.

I stood there weighing the options between strawberry lemonade and chocolate caramel when I felt a presence. I turned, and there was Ralph. He remembered another funny thing he’s always wanted to try: “Ok, so it’s my wedding and the cameras are on and everyone is there. My parents, her parents, everyone. And it comes to the ‘you may kiss the bride part,’ and it starts out real nice. Then I start biting her lip, she starts spanking me, I’m pulling her hair, then I turn her around and bend her over….”, etc.

Um.

Have you ever had someone ruin the small piece of strawberry lemon cake and small piece of chocolate caramel cake that you’ve picked out to enjoy for yourself at a family member’s wedding? It is terrible.

Biting back contempt, I responded, “There’s a bride and a groom here tonight; you should go share your idea with them.” He mumbled something about it not being the right crowd to appreciate something like that. I agreed and excused myself.

You guys, what the fuck? At best, this idea was a derivative sketch concept found in the back of every aspiring writer’s high school portfolio. Like, if you want to tell a dirty joke to a lady while her entire family is steps away in the hopes that it will somehow help you get in good with said lady, 1)make the joke funny and 2)don’t back down like a pussy as soon as she dares you to take it to the next level.

In the end, I’m grateful for that joke. Though it ruined my perfectly whipped icing and deliciously light cake, it reminded me to listen to my bells.

If You Give A Tiger A Pledge Bid…

He will pay you a compliment….

Image

He will learn your legacy….

Image

He will endure your hazing…..

Image

If you let a tiger pledge your frat, he’ll start to get an ego…

Image

 

And then he will turn on you….

Image

 

Sometimes Meme Mondays are just about silliness, but seriously guys, do not invite a tiger to pledge your frat. At first it will be so sweet, but then it will morph into maximum wackness.

They Say It’s A Man’s World

Everyone knows I’m the biggest proponent of the totally non-sarcastic, totally genuine slow clap. It’s just who I am. And today, I’d like to devote that heart-felt slow clap to stereotype shattering Abercrombie & Fitch CEO, Mike Jeffries. The activist believes offering XL and XXL sizes for women would encourage losers to shop at his store, while saying that parallel sizes for men must be included for athletes. Some people choose to dwell on what a sexist piece of crap Mike Jeffries is or how everyone should be able to wear a bunch of poor quality, sweat shop-produced, logo-ridden baby-tees, regardless of race, sex, or creed, if they so choose. They climb onto their soap boxes to talk about how size doesn’t make you cool or uncool, and that manufacturers of teen-focused clothing lines should be especially conscious of this. Now they all have egg all over their faces; Mike Jeffries is a homosexual.omg

Mike Jeffries truly is an inspiration as a gay CEO. Unfortunately, Corporate America is not the most progressive place. We rarely see anyone but white, straight males running large companies. And how wonderful that Jeffries, who is different than many of his peers, chooses to use his power to totally exclude and shame a portion of the population. It’s just like the time that Gretchen Wieners decided that Regina George couldn’t sit at the table with the rest of the plastics because she was wearing sweatpants. I wish more powerful people would act like the shallowest high school characters in movies.1

Mike Jeffries continues to shatter stereotypes of gay men with his incredibly poor taste. If you watched Behind the Candelabra this weekend (I was watching Arrested Development: Season 4, so no spoilers!), have ever seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, or have lived in the world, you know that gay men have a notorious flare for fashion. Not Mike Jeffries, whose company sells the most generic items of clothing known to man. How refreshing to find a gay man who literally runs from good taste. Now you don’t have to be a character on Happy Endings to show that not everyone is the same.orig-17113441

CrazyBritney

Lastly, and most importantly, Mike Jeffries is breaking down the cruelest stricture of society’s expectations: the natural alliance between gay men and zaftig women (see Lauren Manzo and friend Greg on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Ricky Lake and John Waters, me and every male friend I had in high school). Thank God Mike Jeffries has the courage to look at this alliance with total disdain. We all know that chunky girls get enough positive reinforcement without the comfort that some glorious gay friend is going to find her funny and great regardless of her BMI. What do we want, for heavy young ladies to enjoy high self-esteem? Then where would we be? That’s a world that I, and thankfully, Mike Jeffries never want to see.