In Celebration of Women

Hello, I am still alive. Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. Now that the world is falling apart in a new and exciting way every single day, I’ve returned to write about my feelings.

Recently, I got broken up with in the kindest and gentlest way anyone has ever been broken up with. There was rosé involved. But despite the care used to deliver the final blow, or maybe because of it, I was devastated. I am devastated. So I find myself in a world where men in suits are working hard everyday to ignorantly or spitefully take away rights from women and minorities, struggling with the feelings I have for one man. The worst storyline in a dystopian novel.

The best storyline of course, is the women. The women I know, who I have angrily and tearfully turned to so many times in my life but especially since November 9, have kept me together this month. Each one urging me to take my time, feel my feelings, offering curses and ire that weren’t necessary except in their offering. Day drinking with me and reminding me that grief is human and normal and that even though I loathe being human and normal, it’s ok. They enveloped me in an estrogen-bound coven until I was ready to be a human on my own again.

There have of course been wonderful men too, but as someone very wise once told me, it’s ok for things to just be in celebration of women. A march can just be about reproductive rights and equal pay and the anger of men living their lives after committing atrocities against bodies they don’t value as human. A benefit can just be for women. We share a quiet rage that we struggle to express for fear of being called irrational or laughed at. We are bonded because we are not believed. But we believe each other. And today I am humbled and grateful for that belief and validation.

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Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty

My parents’ cats, Bernie and Nigel, are rescue kitties. They came from a shelter to live in a nice house with food and literally more snuggles than they know what to do with. These cats have more advantages than most cats in the world and yet I’ll tell you that neither of them gives a shit about animal rights.

Not one fuck to give between them.

Not one fuck to give between them.

Even though they benefitted from being rescued by a no-kill shelter. Even though since their adoption, my dad has officially become a “cat person”. Even though they are the first cats in my family to be allowed to sleep on the dining room table. You might say that not being activists in the face of all that privilege makes them horrible monsters. But you’d be wrong, because they are cats. Nigel sometimes thinks his reflection is a second cat. Bernie is afraid of the crinkle of tin foil. They aren’t capable of nuanced discussion about how to make life better for other cats and dogs who haven’t had as many advantages as they have.

Bernie in bed

Bernie in the lap of luxury.

The female protagonist on CBS’s “The Big Bang Theory”, Kaley Cuoco, is the highest paid actress in television. She netted $11 million in 2013 from her role on “Big Bang” and the approximately one million times a day it airs in syndication and from playing William Shatner’s daughter on Priceline commercials and shilling for Toyota. This woman has more autonomy than most women in the world and yet I’ll tell you that Kaley Cuoco is not a feminist. Even though she has the ability to work and be a wife. Even though she has free agency over her own body including the right to get breast implants and cut and dye her hair whenever she wants. Even though she played a witch on “Charmed” and wasn’t burned at the stake.

You might say that not officially taking a stand that women deserve to be treated equally in the face of all that privilege makes Kaley Cuoco a horrible monster. But guys, Kaley Cuoco can’t grasp that her right to choose to make dinner for her husband every night and feel that that’s a special thing is part of feminism. Kaley Cuoco can’t understand that having parents who prioritized her career and education even though she is an XX chromosome-haver is an incredibly lucky life. Kaley Cuoco doesn’t understand what the word “context” means. So let’s not jump all over Kaley Cuoco. No one is abandoning feminism because she crinkles her nose adorably at it any more than animal rights activists are abandoning the cause because Bernie and Nigel would rather chase a laser on the floor than go to one goddamn rally, even if you ask them really nicely.

B&N

Where in the World is My Prince…..

Man. It has been a rough day. And now the internet has dealt me my deathblow. sad panda

I know right now he’s seeing someone, but throughout all his girlfriends, I always believed somewhere in my heart that we would have a beautiful family together some day. But now I’ve learned that my dream man, my soul mate, the person many have admired but only I would be special enough to win is never going to help me build the life I’ve always wanted; will never be able to fully complete that life. ick

Jon Gosselin has had a vasectomy. Go ahead, cheer and make jokes. Laughter is the only barrier between us and utter despair. We will never push our children on a swing set while surrounded by all of his many children. We will never wear sweet Ed Hardy gear and pretend to look annoyed at the paparazzi that we secretly called. We will never go on a reality show together to try to “make it work”.

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee……

 

Ahem.

I was far too busy last night to watch the Golden Globes, but I am a lemming who will always click on an article asking whether or not a celebrity was drunk while presenting an award as surely as my spirit animal will follow its brethren off a cliff. So I did watch a clip of Diane Keaton accepting the Cecile B. DeMille award for a certain director.

Let me start this off by saying that I have never seen a Woody Allen film. At first, I just wasn’t that interested; too young. Then I sort of thought I wanted to wait till a really special movie came along, something that spoke to me. And now…any time I tell someone that I’ve never seen the world through the lens of the word’s most famous neurotic I got shock and horror. “Not even Annie Hall?!!???!” My former potential friend gasps as he/she clutches his/her pearls and averts his/her eyes.

And I’m ok with that. I was twelve when Woody Allen married his much younger former stepdaughter; old enough to assess how fucking disgusting that is at the disgust level only a tween can feel. Like disgusting. While they’re still married and only they know their love blah, blah, I can never see a picture of him without getting a little creeped out and the idea of sitting through a couple of hours of his view of women and the world gives me honest heebie jeebies.

I only recently learned that he allegedly also abused his seven year-old daughter and was caught MORE THAN ONCE. He was found innocent in a court of law, but imagining how difficult it is for a victim to come forward, let alone a child, I am inclined to side with said victim.

All that said, Mia Farrow, you need to reflect.

Did Ms. Farrow, as she watched Diane Keaton laud the man who made her famous despite the fact that he definitely did something wrong and maybe something really, really wrong, feel a twinge of familiarity? Because she continues to stand by Roman Polanski, despite the fact that he raped a thirteen year old girl. Like Keaton and Allen, Farrow and Polanski enjoyed cinematic greatness together. Like Keaton and Allen, Farrow has been complicit in a powerful Hollywood figure’s ability to be bigger than the law and justice as recently as a 2005 law suit brought against  Condé Nast for an article published in Vanity Fair, which had to be attended remotely by Mr. Polanski himself for fear of being extradited to the United States to face punishment for his famous child rape.

Sex crimes are not morally relative.  You don’t get to be mad at the guy who did it in your house while giving the guy who made you famous a pass. The victim you know is not more important than the one you don’t. Obviously, Mia Farrow is a huge fan of the site and will no doubt read this and reflect and change her whole life. I’m not suggesting for one moment she shouldn’t be apoplectic with rage at the man who victimized one or more of her children, but that perhaps that outrage is worth extending beyond your own four walls.

Ok Then

Hey kittens. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. I know the internet cannot survive on memes alone*. You guys, everything is fucked. Hundreds of thousands of Americans are out of a job now that John Boehner and his motley crew have decided to throw a fit over the President’s refusal to compromise on a law that already passed through all three branches of the Federal Government three years ago. Sorry, people who like paychecks; Michelle Bachman thinks things are no fair.

I offered this blog post before the internet, and it yielded a bountiful harvest.

I offered this blog post before the internet, and it yielded a bountiful harvest.

In other no fair news, Tom Hanks has Type II diabetes, which I really can’t handle. Guys, I love my parents so much. And sometimes, something will happen that reminds me that they are getting older, like when my dad had shoulder surgery or when my mom asks me to like something on the Facebook for her because she doesn’t understand how it works. But my parents have never been an alcoholic baseball coach of a professional women’s team during World War II. And my parents have never been a loveable, dumb with brains, brilliant with heart shrimp boat captain. And my parents have never fucking lived in an apartment with a blonde roommate never to be heard from again while dressing terribly as women to take advantage of the sweet lady roommates deals we get. Would it be possible to stop Tom Hanks from aging? Taking calls from wizards.BBs

But that’s not the only reason things are fucked. Guys, dammit. Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are trying for another baby. If you aren’t familiar with TLC’s 18 [19] Kids and Counting, congratulations on doing something more useful with your time, and also the Duggars are the Kardashians of the Ozarks. There are 19 tangible products of Jim Bob and Michelle’s marriage, all of whose names start with “J”. The eldest, and least creatively named child, Josh is already married with three children, whose names start with “M”.  Their trying for another child is bad news for the overpopulated earth, fans of the far superior TLC mega-family program Sister Wives, and of course Michelle Duggar’s poor beleaguered internal organs. Bless them through this ordeal most of all.

And just to put the f word cherry on the giant f bomb sundae, Kris and Bruce Jenner are getting divorced. Oh, I know you are thinking that you don’t care. Sure, of course. I don’t watch the Kardashians’ programs either (even I have standards). But I do watch the news. I do live in a world that includes media. Y’all, Bruce Jenner was the last stretched out tie to Kris Jenner’s dignity. Now that he’s out of the picture, it is basically time to prepare for the sex tape worst.

I’m going to just hunker down and listen to “Wrecking Ball” on repeat, because apparently Bruce Jenner was the last tie to my dignity too.

 Cake Panda

*J/K obviously. Memes are the protein of the internet. Words are the chocolate sprinkles that you sometimes get when there are no rainbow sprinkles but you don’t want the calorie splurge of a real topping on the frozen yogurt you occasionally treat yourself with when you have a really bad period.

Happy Labor Day

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Sorry to Debbie Downer all over this holiday. Living standards have gone way up for a lot of people. We have maternity leave, child labor laws, weekends, paid sick leave, minimum wage. But not everyone gets these benefits. And minimum wage is not a living wage. This can’t be fixed overnight, but we could all do a little better at supporting businesses that take better care of their employees (shop Costco over Walmart; anywhere over McDonald’s).

Full disclosure: I shopped at Target today. It’s better, but not by a lot.

If you’re like me and hiding inside watching Breaking Bad reruns (I just started the first season so NO SPOILERS!) and surfing the internet on Labor Day, here’s Mike Duke’s rebuttal and here’s further wage discrepancy data from the Huffington Post. 

A Little Story From Out West

Happy Monday little pandas! Sorry there are no memes, all the news seemed either too sad (wage disparity, the second attack on protesters in Egypt, every train/plane/boat crash) or too obvious (Lindsey Lohan is out of rehab on Thursday, Shep Smith loves True Blood, the royal baby is in the world) to meme this week. Please accept this panda picture and a little story instead.Panda

Last week, I was in Wyoming for my cousin’s wedding. I saw two moose and rode a horse who did not care for me, so it was all very exciting. I also met a guy who commutes between Jackson Hole and Boston. Let’s call him Ralph. We chatted at the rehearsal dinner and kind of hit it off. He makes software, I make calendar appointments. He likes mountains and I like improv comedy.

Whenever I mention that I do improv, most people react by telling me how funny they are. This is incredibly weird to me, given that when someone tells me that he is a lawyer, I don’t talk about the time I argued my way out of a speeding ticket from a bike cop in college. Ralph told me a story about how he and his friends think it’s so funny to go out and make up facts about themselves when they talk to girls. It bears mentioning that Ralph is in his forties.

I am currently trying to be more open-minded in my dating life so even though a million tiny, creepy bells were going off in my head, I told myself to not be a bitch.

By the reception the following evening, the bells in my head were getting louder and creepier though not from tangible behavior so I just tried to remain close to my family and be cool. However, just like a fawn in the woods, at some point I had to separate myself out to go get some cake.

I stood there weighing the options between strawberry lemonade and chocolate caramel when I felt a presence. I turned, and there was Ralph. He remembered another funny thing he’s always wanted to try: “Ok, so it’s my wedding and the cameras are on and everyone is there. My parents, her parents, everyone. And it comes to the ‘you may kiss the bride part,’ and it starts out real nice. Then I start biting her lip, she starts spanking me, I’m pulling her hair, then I turn her around and bend her over….”, etc.

Um.

Have you ever had someone ruin the small piece of strawberry lemon cake and small piece of chocolate caramel cake that you’ve picked out to enjoy for yourself at a family member’s wedding? It is terrible.

Biting back contempt, I responded, “There’s a bride and a groom here tonight; you should go share your idea with them.” He mumbled something about it not being the right crowd to appreciate something like that. I agreed and excused myself.

You guys, what the fuck? At best, this idea was a derivative sketch concept found in the back of every aspiring writer’s high school portfolio. Like, if you want to tell a dirty joke to a lady while her entire family is steps away in the hopes that it will somehow help you get in good with said lady, 1)make the joke funny and 2)don’t back down like a pussy as soon as she dares you to take it to the next level.

In the end, I’m grateful for that joke. Though it ruined my perfectly whipped icing and deliciously light cake, it reminded me to listen to my bells.

My Mom Found A Meme!

mom

Guys! I know it’s Wednesday, and also that I’ve become a lazy blogger lately. I also know that North Carolina is being steamrolled by some Tea Party Bullshit. They are restricting abortions. Let us please never forget that the pros of limiting abortions are to protect life and to prevent medical procedures, completely neglecting the fact that women’s lives are ruined in childbirth and by unwanted pregnancies all the time (“What if that aborted fetus was going to be president?!” “What if that woman forced down into poverty by single motherhood was?” No one is Doc Brown. We can’t know what would happen in other timelines; let’s not try.) and that giving birth is a Goddamn medical procedure. Have you ever heard of an episiotomy? That is a medical procedure that really leaves some lasting scars.

North Carolina already passed one of the most restrictive and saddest anti-gay marriage laws  in the Spring of 2012. I have yet to understand, at all, how gay marriage affects straight people anymore than I understand how forcing a woman to have a baby is a pro-human rights issue, but I’m wide open to hearing anyone’s non-Biblical views on either subject (your Bible does not belong in our Constitution. Sorry bro*.)

Welfare applicants must pass mandatory drug tests which I’m sure is not an expensive program for tax payers at all. Are you poor in North Carolina? You can expect to find a lot of Christians, but not a lot of charity…..

Student loans are going up, going back to that whole, “Oh, you’r poor? Fuck you and bless your heart,” attitude that seems to have covered the consciences of NC lawmakers like a blanket over a bird cage.

Also, if you’re a teacher, it would be good to keep your urine clean, because based on your salary in comparison to the rest of the country you are also fucked. Though not as fucked as you’ll be if you get fired or laid off. What is so insane to me, is that these people think they are doing the right thing by hoarding their money for themselves, as though infrastructure is free and as if keeping the poor down makes our country better. Any society is only as strong as it’s most vulnerable members.  Making women raise children they can’t afford without the aid of benefits they can’t get in a state with a high unemployment rate is the way to keep people down. Raising student loans keeps people down. Restricting health care access keeps people down. If you asked them, Republicans are the more patriotic party. They love America; they hate Americans.

I once heard someone who is related to me say that Occupy Wall Street was a movement of spoiled people who expected everything  to be handed to them. I politely excused myself to go the the bathroom because I’m not allowed to swear in front of my family members outside of my nuclear family, but come the fuck on. If you don’t understand that the Occupy Wall Street movement is about the gross inequality in this country, it’s probably because you benefit from said inequality. If you don’t understand women’s rights, or college tuition hikes, or the implications behind restricting gay marriage I envy the life you’ve lead and the character you’ve never been forced to build, but please do not comment on those things in front of me.

In other words, I won’t be moving back to my beloved blue-skied haven any time soon. As for my mom, she spends her Mondays picketing at the state capital because she is rad and also is retired.

 

*Bro like Broseph not bro like my bro, Pandito, who is awesome.

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Matthew 7:6:

“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

Deuteronomy 15:11:

“For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’ “

Your New Guide to Pop Culture

Pop culture is bananas these days. I can’t turn on the television or read twenty or thirty celebrity blogs without feeling things. But it’s too hard to feel so many different opinions about so many different things that all impact me directly. Kim Kardashian already has a big baby bump! How do I feel about that? I need more structure. I give you the good, the bad, and the ugly of pop culture.

Beyoncé’s Super Bowl Halftime show was good (read: awesome). The thing we like about Beyoncé is how much she likes herself. So if there’s going to be a Halftime show starring her, it should really, really star her. Like, the stage from space should look like two Beyoncés glorifying each other. The stage from the ground should look like a million Beyoncés dancing together. If other people are going to get to be onstage with her, their mics should be at fifty percent of what Beyoncé’s mic is. Those people should also get the fuck off the stage the second Beyoncé dismisses them. There should be a track from Beyoncé’s husband, but no husband on that stage. He was not in Destiny’s Child* Beyoncé’s First Solo Gig Plus Back-up Dancers. The entire Super Bowl should shut down immediately or close to immediately after so that everyone knows that football comes second to Beyoncé.Can you handle this

The impending Dolce and Gabbana fragrance for babies is bad. I first read about it on the New Jersey Path train (also bad). Babies don’t know how to put on perfume. How embarrassing to be at your own christening and realize that you’ve over-fragranced? Also, are we sexualizing babies too young? Like, in theory, it seems like putting fake smells on a baby is stupid and babies should be babies and sex it up when they enter their first toddler beauty pageants. But who am I to tell the as yet unborn babies of the Summer of 2014 what they should and shouldn’t do to feel sexy and vibrant? It makes me uncomfortable, but this is America and babies should, I guess, have the option of feeling fancy.get it baby

What is going on with The Office’s Jim and Pam is fucking ugly. If you don’t watch The Office, or you stopped when Michael Scott left, or when things got “boring” or “exceedingly unrealistic”, let me enlighten you. Jim is pursuing an exciting position at a start-up in Philadelphia, The New York City of Pennsylvania. Pam is left behind in Scranton, the Jan Brady of Pennsylvania. They’re not doing great. Enter Brian, the crazysexycool boom mic operator of the documentary crew. You guys, he is in love with Pam, I am in love with him, and I kind of want to see them make it work. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to keep the magic alive after two kids. Maybe it’s because Jim just doesn’t make us feel safe anymore or because like, I’m a person too and need to be acknowledged for everything I’m bringing into this marriage. Whatever is going on with us them, it’s really hard. You want Jim and Pam to be forever. We love Jim. But Brian isn’t doing anything wrong, just acting on what his heart says is right. I just wish I could more clearly hear my own.I just....can't

So from here on out, feel free to use the three topics below as your guidelines for discussing what’s going on. Like, instead of being like, “Oh, I don’t really care about Kim K’s bump because I have a life to lead and also the Kardashians are sort of kontributing to the dekay of society and the konstant misspellings of…”, you can just say, “Oh, Kim K’s kbump? Worse than Beyoncé’s Halftime show, not as bad as perfume for babies.”