A Functional but Ornamental Race

We all know that women aren’t people, right guys? Like, people’s rights are very important and people should be believed when they say a crime has been committed against them and people shouldn’t have to worry so much about their looks. And then there are women.

Christian blogger Veronica Partridge’s post about yoga pants recently went viral when she admitted that the good Lord, in the middle of a conversation she had with fellow Christians about yoga pants, changed her heart. One, real nice that God is spending so much time working on Veronica Partridge’s yoga pants conundrum instead of focusing on gun violence or pediatric AIDS or victims of Boko Haram. Two, this lady is being lauded and celebrated for making a choice about her body as seen by men for another man. She is not asking her husband not to wear those khakis that are too thin but also too loose so that when he sits in them I can see the outline of his entire package on the train. Because she and we don’t think of men as objects. That’s what women are for. And she and we don’t think of men’s bodies as possessions. That’s also what women are for.

As a New Yorker, this next point disappoints me the most. Likely presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, spent six and a half years working at Fox News here in New York City and I swear to God if I find out which women did this, I will speak with them personally. Huckabee breaks his traumatized silence on Mickelson in the Morning, an Iowa-based radio show, to say that people were dropping the F bomb in professional business meetings. Including women. Huckabee mentions that this is typical locker room talk, so I guess fine when it’s all men, but when a woman swears, a Southerner would call that trashy. Mike Huckabee, Southerner, is not calling these foul-mouthed women trashy. But in the South, someone might. Super Pacs Support groups are forming for former Arkansas Governor Huckabee to massage his hands out of their claw-like shape when he recovers enough to unclutch his pearls. Governor Huckabee, never let those awful cunts who think they can act the same as men change you.

Lastly, The Nightly Show premiered last Monday. This show is great. The writing is insightful. Larry Wilmore is funny and likeable. Breaking with the Daily Show / Colbert Report model of having one guest star, Wilmore joins a four guest panel on every show. The panels are full of funny, interesting people. And they have included exactly one woman per panel in the five episodes that have aired so far. Larry, I appreciate your longtime readership of this blog and as a feminist, I am so into how you called Cosby to the carpet. But come on. You make a point of highlighting minorities and yet over 50% of the population is only allowed 20% representation on your show every night? This show gives a voice to a lot of people, but not a lot of women.

Your girl Bao Bao doing it for her damn self.

Your girl Bao Bao doing it for her damn self.

Ok Then

Hey kittens. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. I know the internet cannot survive on memes alone*. You guys, everything is fucked. Hundreds of thousands of Americans are out of a job now that John Boehner and his motley crew have decided to throw a fit over the President’s refusal to compromise on a law that already passed through all three branches of the Federal Government three years ago. Sorry, people who like paychecks; Michelle Bachman thinks things are no fair.

I offered this blog post before the internet, and it yielded a bountiful harvest.

I offered this blog post before the internet, and it yielded a bountiful harvest.

In other no fair news, Tom Hanks has Type II diabetes, which I really can’t handle. Guys, I love my parents so much. And sometimes, something will happen that reminds me that they are getting older, like when my dad had shoulder surgery or when my mom asks me to like something on the Facebook for her because she doesn’t understand how it works. But my parents have never been an alcoholic baseball coach of a professional women’s team during World War II. And my parents have never been a loveable, dumb with brains, brilliant with heart shrimp boat captain. And my parents have never fucking lived in an apartment with a blonde roommate never to be heard from again while dressing terribly as women to take advantage of the sweet lady roommates deals we get. Would it be possible to stop Tom Hanks from aging? Taking calls from wizards.BBs

But that’s not the only reason things are fucked. Guys, dammit. Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are trying for another baby. If you aren’t familiar with TLC’s 18 [19] Kids and Counting, congratulations on doing something more useful with your time, and also the Duggars are the Kardashians of the Ozarks. There are 19 tangible products of Jim Bob and Michelle’s marriage, all of whose names start with “J”. The eldest, and least creatively named child, Josh is already married with three children, whose names start with “M”.  Their trying for another child is bad news for the overpopulated earth, fans of the far superior TLC mega-family program Sister Wives, and of course Michelle Duggar’s poor beleaguered internal organs. Bless them through this ordeal most of all.

And just to put the f word cherry on the giant f bomb sundae, Kris and Bruce Jenner are getting divorced. Oh, I know you are thinking that you don’t care. Sure, of course. I don’t watch the Kardashians’ programs either (even I have standards). But I do watch the news. I do live in a world that includes media. Y’all, Bruce Jenner was the last stretched out tie to Kris Jenner’s dignity. Now that he’s out of the picture, it is basically time to prepare for the sex tape worst.

I’m going to just hunker down and listen to “Wrecking Ball” on repeat, because apparently Bruce Jenner was the last tie to my dignity too.

 Cake Panda

*J/K obviously. Memes are the protein of the internet. Words are the chocolate sprinkles that you sometimes get when there are no rainbow sprinkles but you don’t want the calorie splurge of a real topping on the frozen yogurt you occasionally treat yourself with when you have a really bad period.

Two For You, Two For You….


I don’t personally believe that Anthony Weiner wants to be the mayor of New York City. I think he’s a flaming narcissist who wants fame and maybe a cherry gig on a mid-day CNN talk show. I think it would be better if we would all just stop looking at his face and his dick and focus on who would be best for New York City (not someone who has repeatedly shown poor judgement and an inability to learn from his mistakes). And I think if the Post runs anymore half-assed puns on the situation, I will not survive it.

And Then They Came For Me



I made the above meme a couple of weeks ago, when George Zimmerman’s trial was beginning but decided not to post it because I don’t believe in vigilante justice, even in cases where there will be no other kind. George Zimmerman killed an unarmed young man after getting out of his car to chase him simply for walking through a white neighborhood while wearing a hoodie. He actively pursued a fellow human being against the advice of law enforcement and ended an alleged fist fight by pulling out a gun he kept intentionally to use against people in his neighborhood and killed someone who was unarmed. This makes George Zimmerman, in my opinion, a murderer. But he deserved a fair trail. The bigger concern is that he didn’t get one.

A fair trial would have involved a prosecution team with a plan, witnesses who had been vetted, and a jury of his actual peers (six gun-literate white ladies might be someone’s peers, but certainly not George Zimmerman’s, nor Trayvon Martin’s). Anger at George Zimmerman’s benefiting from the system that has been in place since before any of us were born is a red herring. He had his day in a court predisposed to disregard the dead body of a young black male and he won. The only justice left to him is what kind of life he’ll be able to lead henceforth, from the employment he’s able to get to the people who choose to socialize with him.

The system that allowed a murderer to go free is a different story. It is not just broken, it never worked for people of color to begin with. And it’s getting worse. From the Stop and Frisk program here in New York City to the Floridian mother who was given 20 years for firing warning shots on her own goddamn property to the people who proudly rally around Paula Deen, racism in America is flourishing.

George Zimmerman benefited from a system that I benefit from and maybe you do as well: white privilege. If this is news to you, you are undoubtedly white. It affects everything from whether or not a salesperson follows you suspiciously at Old Navy to an infinite series of systematic benefits that give you everything you have going back to your first American ancestor.

When that we let injustice occur without questioning and fighting the system that allowed it, we tell the people in charge that some people’s rights are worth less than others and we all lose. This is not hyperbole; it’s literally happening all over the country. Right now there are people in office taking away rights that have been in place for decades. I can’t imagine a more regressive or reactive time in American history.

Women and minorities are painfully complicit in our own persecution. There are women fighting against abortion rights and there is a black justice in the highest court of the land who won’t even stand up for minority voting rights. There are gay Republicans who don’t want legalized gay marriage.Unfortunately, it’s still a difficult concept for many that there is no such thing as “special interest groups” when it comes to civil rights. If even one person is vulnerable to systematic injustice, none of us are safe.


An example of how to be.

If Only We Could Find A Butterfly Net Big Enough…..



Sometimes Meme Mondays are a rally call to my smart Republican friends: these extremists are killing your party and also setting women back decades. In situations like this shouldn’t we ask ourselves, “What would Bugs Bunny do?”

Also, my meme has a typo. I’ll fix it tonight; don’t fret my pets.

My Mom Found A Meme!


Guys! I know it’s Wednesday, and also that I’ve become a lazy blogger lately. I also know that North Carolina is being steamrolled by some Tea Party Bullshit. They are restricting abortions. Let us please never forget that the pros of limiting abortions are to protect life and to prevent medical procedures, completely neglecting the fact that women’s lives are ruined in childbirth and by unwanted pregnancies all the time (“What if that aborted fetus was going to be president?!” “What if that woman forced down into poverty by single motherhood was?” No one is Doc Brown. We can’t know what would happen in other timelines; let’s not try.) and that giving birth is a Goddamn medical procedure. Have you ever heard of an episiotomy? That is a medical procedure that really leaves some lasting scars.

North Carolina already passed one of the most restrictive and saddest anti-gay marriage laws  in the Spring of 2012. I have yet to understand, at all, how gay marriage affects straight people anymore than I understand how forcing a woman to have a baby is a pro-human rights issue, but I’m wide open to hearing anyone’s non-Biblical views on either subject (your Bible does not belong in our Constitution. Sorry bro*.)

Welfare applicants must pass mandatory drug tests which I’m sure is not an expensive program for tax payers at all. Are you poor in North Carolina? You can expect to find a lot of Christians, but not a lot of charity…..

Student loans are going up, going back to that whole, “Oh, you’r poor? Fuck you and bless your heart,” attitude that seems to have covered the consciences of NC lawmakers like a blanket over a bird cage.

Also, if you’re a teacher, it would be good to keep your urine clean, because based on your salary in comparison to the rest of the country you are also fucked. Though not as fucked as you’ll be if you get fired or laid off. What is so insane to me, is that these people think they are doing the right thing by hoarding their money for themselves, as though infrastructure is free and as if keeping the poor down makes our country better. Any society is only as strong as it’s most vulnerable members.  Making women raise children they can’t afford without the aid of benefits they can’t get in a state with a high unemployment rate is the way to keep people down. Raising student loans keeps people down. Restricting health care access keeps people down. If you asked them, Republicans are the more patriotic party. They love America; they hate Americans.

I once heard someone who is related to me say that Occupy Wall Street was a movement of spoiled people who expected everything  to be handed to them. I politely excused myself to go the the bathroom because I’m not allowed to swear in front of my family members outside of my nuclear family, but come the fuck on. If you don’t understand that the Occupy Wall Street movement is about the gross inequality in this country, it’s probably because you benefit from said inequality. If you don’t understand women’s rights, or college tuition hikes, or the implications behind restricting gay marriage I envy the life you’ve lead and the character you’ve never been forced to build, but please do not comment on those things in front of me.

In other words, I won’t be moving back to my beloved blue-skied haven any time soon. As for my mom, she spends her Mondays picketing at the state capital because she is rad and also is retired.


*Bro like Broseph not bro like my bro, Pandito, who is awesome.


Matthew 7:6:

“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

Deuteronomy 15:11:

“For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’ “