It’s as big a miracle that they went through with the Spring Dance as it is a travesty that a few political temper tantrums can furlough hundreds of thousands of people. Everyone involved should be ashamed.
I finished Breaking Bad on Saturday, bitches. And while I’m thrilled at what a great job the writers did, now I don’t know what to do with my life. Today’s memes will all feature Brenda Walsh, who I wish could have worked with Jesse Pinkman and Walter White before the show ended. Now that glory can only be lived through my fan fiction, Breaking Badder.
I have unlimited admiration for many celebrities: Britney Spears, Jason Segel (sigh, heart-shaped thought bubbles), Jennifer Aniston, Bethany Frankel, etc. But no one inspires more respect or deference than Ms. Shannen Marie Doherty.
Here are the top ten reasons why:
1. Shannen got into a fight with Paris Hilton, when people cared about Paris Hilton, and did not contract an STD.
3. Besmirching Shannen’s good name in a tell-all book will cause your mom to love her dolls more than you.
4. Probably shouldn’t have taken that red scrunchie at the end of Heathers Winona….
5. If you find Shannen’s pregnancy test in the trash, she will use her powers to make all of the hair on top of your head sprout out of your chest, back and shoulders. Amiright, James Eckhouse?
7. Trying to take the lead in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof from Shannen will lead to your attempting suicide. AND dating Steve Sanders.
9. If you try to have sex with Shannen in an “uncomfortable place”, be prepared to accept your Razzie nom for a little film called Jersey Girl.
10. If you wear the same outfit as Shannen to the spring dance, you will develop an eating disorder, be burned in a fire, join a cult, become addicted to cocaine, attract a murderous stalker, get shot, lose your memory, get raped, be accused of murder and have a child out of wed lock by a man who will never love you the way he loves Shannen.