Why A New Episode of Once STILL Hasn’t Aired……

You guys probably did not know this, but the Oscars were on last night. I say you did not know because to the untrained eye, it may have looked a little bit like a live airing of A Midsummer Night’s Dream starring Ellen DeGeneres as the handsome Lysander, Brad Pitt as a coquettish Hermia, Angelina Jolie as a lovesick and surprisingly likable Demetrius, and John Travolta as a reluctant but obvious Bottom. But no, it was the Oscars.

I had a lot of feelings. I now know that celebrities are not just like me, since they all rushed to ebulliently be in that selfie; I do not like having to do that shit at brunch and I sure as hell would not like doing it in a fancy dress. Also, Jared Leto, I saw you get creepy on Jennifer Lawrence’s thigh. Jared, you are hot but you are old. That was not appropriate.

The Oscars this year was not only like a Shakespearean comedy, but one of the better dressed ceremonies I’ve seen of late (Whoopie, this does not include you; sorry friend). Lupita Nyong’o was so beautiful and so perfectly dressed, she took my breath away, which may also explain the phrasing in Pink’s performance. Pink, the improbable artist who rose out of the pop muck of the 90’s (not you, Britney), looked like if a ruby slipper came to life and was more elegant than one could have imagined. But the loveliest look of the night was Liza Minnelli, who is easily the most captivating person in any room at any time. I loved her blue streak and her blue dress. I might get one of each.

Even with an evening so full of Liza, it was around the moment that that Spike Jonze accepted his Best Director award that I realized, I don’t care as much about the Oscars as I once did. In a world where so many people have to fight for so little, it’s increasingly frustrating to enviously watch a room full of insanely rich people and their seat fillers laud each other for how “brave” they’ve been in making movies that are too expensive for many people to see, despite how important their creators think them. Art shouldn’t be a luxury but the lavish production costs and exorbitant salaries of the people in that very room contribute to why it has very much become one.

Except that then, Idina Menzel and Derek McLane created live-action Frozen in a way I could have never even dared to hope for. It. Was. Magic.

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My Review of the Golden Globes

Y’all, I did not watch the Golden Globes tonight. I want so much to give a quarter of a fuck about them, especially because of the insane love I feel for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, and for the insane love I feel for shading celebrity dress choices (but not bodies), but I just do not. For one thing, these Law and Order: SVU episodes aren’t going to re-watch themselves. Plus, I’ve seen like, two of the nominated movies and probably .015% of the nominated television shows so I can’t enjoy the sole joy of watching an awards show, which is to nod smugly as various movies and television programs I know are announced as if I somehow made them myself. Also, since anything besides Frozen  was nominated for any awards this whole production is a bull(?)shit sham and I won’t be a party to it.

I also did not watch the Golden Globes tonight because I was busy experiencing a major life milestone. In the interest of a little backstory, picture it: New York City, 2008, the Upper West Side….

A broke actor/server server/actor, I relied on my roommate Gigi to cut my hair for me; her qualifications being skill and patience. However, Gigi was working a similar gig with different hours, so I decided to take matters into my own hands, despite the fact that I possess neither skill nor patience. I cut my bangs so short and jagged that I couldn’t even pin them back. In a headband, I looked like a troll doll going through something. A drunk five-year old with one side of a pair of safety scissors could have done a better job. Since then, I have not been allowed to use simple tools to remove any of my hair.

Brenda Walsh and me: living parallel lives

Brenda Walsh and me: living parallel lives

But tonight, a mere six years later, I successful cut my own bangs. I sent a selfie to Gigi to make sure I had permission. Hey! 24 year old me, it really does get better.

Like a fine wine

Like a fine wine

Also, Sunday night treat. Lascivious Lemur, you will love it.

Also, fair disclaimer, I am not Shannen Doherty, only a respectful and not at all dangerous fan.

I’m Never Eating At A Benihana Again. I Don’t Care Whose Birthday It Is.

Yesterday, I saw The Wolf of Wall Street. And while it was no Frozen (Best Film of All Time, Forever), it was really, really good. I’ve seen a lot of articles about how the movie glorifies Jordan Belfort’s lifestyle and glamorizes everything he did. That was definitely my criticism of the preview, but the movie itself was more of a behind the monster’s mask, like watching how Hannibal Lector a complete sociopath even while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There are people who will think what Jordan Belfort did is awesome, but those people are terrible and don’t only work in finance.

Pan Am Forever

Like the people who cancelled Pan Am

The cast was phenomenal. Margot Robbie should be in all the things all the time. Rob Reiner was scary and funny like your favorite of your friends’ dads. Sexy Sean from The Walking Dead (Jon Bernthal) was simultaneously the smarmiest and most likeable character in the film. Ugh, even Jonah Hill was perfect in his weirdness, which I’m sure he’ll agree with by yelling at an interviewer soon, though watching him party on a yacht with Leonardo DiCaprio and a bunch of beautiful women was something I’ve seen somewhere before…. Even the Mother from How I Met Your Mother (and Tony Nominated actress from the musical Once), Cristin Milioti, was amazing as the flimsy lightening rod of morality and the only character to mention the fates of the victims of Belfort’s fraud.

And Leo….our first boyfriend from Titanic, Romeo + Juliet, who stayed together with us after we left for college when he made Catch Me If You Can, and grew up with us during Revolutionary Road…he was great. Leonardo DiCaprio gave the performance of his almost-exclusively-done-with-a-generic-Urban-New-York-Accent career.

And that is good guys, because he….looks old.

MAYBE

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t still love him. He’s still got it. But, dear God and Martin Scorsese, please do not let me see another movie that opens with Leonardo DiCaprio playing a twenty-two year old. Please. Puh-LEASE. If we lived in a world where the best person for every role was cast, regardless of whether or not they were a little long in the tooth and were used to suspending our disbelief, that might be one thing. Or if Leo’s boyishly good looks were playing a wide-eyed ingénue on stage, far from the clear focus of a close-up, that might be another.

By the end of the movie, when Belfort is in his mid-thirties as a hard-partying drug addict that felt honest. But at the start, it was asking a lot to portray Leonardo DiCaprio as the Peggy Sawyer of Prime Brokerages, especially by casting him opposite the agelessly sexy Matthew McConaughey who was thirty-five a score ago and will be thirty-five a score from now. I’m sure there are plenty of roles for a man Leo’s age to play (certainly a fuckload more than for his female contemporaries, as is evidenced by movies like The Wolf of Wall Street). Let’s let him do those now. It’s time.