Everything’s Coming Up Santorum!

You guys, Christmas has come early this year. Rick Santorum is running for President in 2016. It’s truly a time for America and the baby Jesus to celebrate.

Making this my cell phone wall paper for six months is really paying off now.

Making this my cell phone wall paper for six months has really paid off.

What bounteous riches will Santorum cover us in during this 2016 campaign year? So far, the traditionally tightly-wound candidate has assured the Daily Caller that he’ll appeal to young people by letting them know he has “…seven kids, so obviously sex isn’t a real problem for me.” The idea of Santorum asking his wife if she’d like to “procreate with him tonight” is sure to get these young people’s attention.

And getting his head out of the gutter for one second, Santorum has a message for immigrants: we need to pause immigration for now because we haven’t indoctrinated the ones we have. “That’s not anti-immigration, that pro-immigration, because it says we want folks to come here to experience the American experience, to learn what it means to be an American, to assimilate into our culture.”

Y’all, Rick Santorum is really into you but as long as you insist on hanging onto your own culture, you’re ruining things for everyone.

Wipe it clean

Black people, Rick Santorum will probably have something to offer you soon, if history tells us anything. Remember the good old days of the presidential race of 2012, when Santorum told a mostly-white group of Iowa voters, referring to welfare programs, “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn money.” Santorum must have quickly realized his faux pas in not promising job opportunities for Iowa’s underprivileged white population (9% of food stamp recipients in Iowa are black, and 84% are white) if the movie posters for his Christian film company Echolight are any indication.

Screen Shot 2014-12-19 at 12.06.59 PM

Ladies, Santorum didn’t have time to whip himself into a froth over us in his most recent Daily Caller interview either, but I think we can all be pretty confident that he’ll continue to work to make abortion illegal even in cases of rape and incest:

“I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you…..we have to make the best out of a bad situation.”

We can only hope that Rick Santorum will continue his press tour and that America doesn’t forget his past genius ideas for single mothers (get married!), Palestine (∄),gay marriage’s equivalence to dog marriage and 9/11, condoms (unnatural), porn (Ban it. No, like actually take the time and money to pass a law to ban porn.), and bowling ball colors (pink is for girls only). Instead, let’s look to the future as Kirk Cameron’s political equivalent promises that after all the campaign fumbling and pushing and the final release when the election’s over, he always comes out in the end.

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Facing the Wall

Writer’s block is a crazy thing. One day, you’re just typing away about Lindsay Lohan’s great ideas and life choices and the next you’re writing “um” four hundred times on a screen and then using keystrokes to edit the fonts. Every time you (I, specifically) sit down in front of a computer, all that comes out of your (my)fingers and brain are the most inane thoughts, as opposed to the standard earth-shaking brilliance this blog has remained unknown for.

I was talking to the Lascivious Lemur at work, whose sole goal for this blog and all things internet-related is to be featured in them, and he said, “If you have writer’s block, why not write about it?” And, unlike the time he thought Adamantium was a real element, the Lemur was right. I find whenever I’m having trouble writing or finding a character or making good improv, the rest of my life isn’t doing so hot either. Not when I am angry or really sad. Those emotions are artistic gold; I would give anything for the kind of mood that induces crying on the subway. Not righteous indignation, like the kind that my frenemy, the sexually magnetic walking malapropism, Rick Santorum, can inspire; nor shame nor anger. No, writer’s block comes when I feel numb.

Lemur

Thanks bro!

Life is so stressful. Mine certainly less so than people who face real strife like poverty, war, and disease. Still, it’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day stresses like where I will be in five years and if I’m doing everything I can to get there and if I’m going to meet someone who will love me and am I’m working hard enough to have a career and will a career make me happy and wishes come true not free and really should only Faulkner be able to write in stream of consciousness and why am I like, the only person who really doesn’t like David Sedaris’ writing and is Jenny McCarthy secretly ashamed of what she’s done but lacking the character to be honest about it and am I hungry and is Benedict Cumberbatch handsome or just charming. And after all that neurosis, it’s easy to be afraid of doing or saying or writing something dumb. And once you start being afraid of sucking, it’s easier to do and say nothing than to risk it. ugh

According to Anais Nin (and many, many inspirational Pinterest boards), “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Bullshit. Opening up is always the most painful part. And there is no guarantee that opening up will lead to something beautiful. Often, making yourself vulnerable only leads to a disaster. But even disaster is better than being too afraid to let anything happen at all.

Congressman Steve Stockman, Giving Rick Santorum’s Logical Prowess A Run For Its Money

RAGE

When I first read about this, I Hulked out in rage. Now that I’ve realized that this statement is predicated on the fact that of course any woman who wants to terminate her pregnancy deserves to be literally destroyed from the inside by her unborn fetus, my blood has cooled back to liquid form and I’m left only with questions.

  • How would the fetus get the gun without a medical procedure?
  •  Fingers aren’t fully formed or useful until the 10th or 11th week in utero and abortion is only legal into the 12th week. How is a baby supposed to use a gun without opposable thumbs?
  • Who is going to manufacture these tiny guns? Large profit potential aside, this is a PR nightmare for any company that decides to take it on.
  • How are the embryos supposed to pay for these guns? Are we starting them out in life with a credit card and encouraging a constant descent into debt from which only death can bring relief? Or is the state supplying these guns? I’m not sure I’m comfortable letting fetuses live off the tax payer’s dime so early on. These fetuses need to stop asking for handouts.
  • Where is this fetus supposed to gestate once it has stood its ground with its mother and doctors? Are we, the tax payers, going to have to be responsible for their habitats?
  • Who is going to teach these bundles of cells how to properly use their firearms? US Marshals? Do we know if they are even good with children?
  • Is it irresponsible to encourage children in a precognitive developmental stage to use guns? How young is too young?
  • Is this program designed for all embryos? I’m not saying that I’m more uncomfortable with a minority zygote having a gun than a white zygote, but it’s something that should be discussed.
  • Is this the absolute top of white male privilege* for a congressman to say this as part of his reelection campaign or will something even worse happen?

I’m relieved to leave the answers to these questions in the wise and capable hands of our elected officials and glad that they’re focusing on the issues that are absolutely the most pressing and relevant.

*White female privilege means that CNN will talk about you if you’ve been abducted but that you’re not as important as a tiny bundle of cells growing inside of you.

Light This Fuse

Every time I pass a small child absolutely losing it on the street or in a store or restaurant I think, a la Lou Grant, “You’ve got spunk kid.” But unlike my cranky predecessor of spunk-diagnosis, I love spunk. I really do. I cannot stop myself from smiling admiringly at the little kid who is thrashing his legs and arms against the sidewalk and screaming, “I hate you, I HATE you!!!!” at his caregiver, especially if he’s using really good form of clinging onto a mailbox or parking meter. I always want to give the little demon a fist-bump of camaraderie, but adults seem to resent that.Those were the days

I’ve retired my limp body and my kicking legs, like any champ in the prime of her game. Adults get so many privileges as we age but we give up just as much. Every little kid with good parents learns that other people do not like temper tantrums. Other little kids don’t like temper tantrums; it makes them feel weird. Parents really don’t like temper tantrums. Nannies don’t like them. My every temper tantrum was followed by a period of isolation, which was a powerful punishment to a tiny rage-filled ham like myself.

But with more rage.

But with more rage.

There are adults who never learn this lesson. I don’t know if these were disciplined children who’ve drastically devolved since puberty or people whose parents didn’t have the heart to give their kids every adult’s dream and every little kid’s nightmare of a time-out. I’ve seen a grown man lose it over a casual joke about football. I’ve seen a woman spit fire over having to wait five minutes to use a conference room. Rick Santorum throws a literal hissy fit every time a male child anywhere uses a pink bowling ball. We often reward adults with no emotional filter with reality television gigs and paparazzi bonanzas. Though I personally applaud these individuals’ abilities to follow primal instincts into absolute meltdowns, they should know it is not a good look. Temper tantrums on adults are like pleather miniskirts on little girls: en vogue right now, but overall inappropriate and likely to be remembered and judged far longer than the fashion lasts. If you are a grownup who feels on the edge of losing it, my advice is to go somewhere private, like a bathroom or your home or the streets of New York City; a place away from sharp edges and sharper looks. For unless you are a powerful white male featured prominently on Fox News or a member of The Bad Girls’ Club, society is not ready to let you be great.Great work, dude

This is for My Girls All Around The World

Today, I am working on the craziest project for my boss, looking for a garage that can fit a giant, modified art piece set on top of a Hummer. Thus I’ve spent the afternoon calling around to storage facilities to varying degrees of success. When I told one man at Smiths Storage (not the real name), what the dimensions of the car were, he said in the nicest voice, “Are you sure those are the measurements? Who gave you those? ‘Cause sometimes women don’t measure as well as men.”

I wish that I had come up with something incredibly witty and elegant to say back. I did not. I think I said something to the effect of, “Let me check and see if she used a real tape measure, since women are so incapable,” and slammed down the phone to his muttering, “No, I mean…uh.”

This was not my finest moment. For starters, I’m decently sure you don’t use a tape measure to find the dimensions of a car. Also, instead of being cool and collected, I reacted in a less dignified way, thus giving that asshat fuel to be all, “Women; why are we letting them use the phone when they should be in the kitchen?” I am however impressed that any small business owner in this recession would have the gall to be so blatantly sexist to a potential customer. That’s a specific type of integrity you see all too rarely in these troubled times.

Rather Like a Habit One Can Always Break…And Yet

No politician in my lifetime has spurred the passion in me that Rick Santorum inspires. On one hand, I am disheartened to the point of immobile depression that such a man is in the running for America’s highest office. He hates women, gays, education, rich people, poor people, people of all colors, JFK. He’s the less attractive, more educated Sarah Palin. None of the star power, all of the biases.

On the other hand, he is hilarious. The things he says on camera could not be thought up if John Waters and Eric Idle decided to write a musical about the most repressed politician in America. Rick Santorum says the kind of things that most people with any political experience wouldn’t even think, let alone say out loud. Rick Santorum is like Kristen Wiig’s SNL character Penelope. He is always out-Conservativing his own party. I love him.

In the past few months, Senator Santorum has gifted America with these verbal gems and so many others:

Regarding separation of Church and State: “To say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes you throw up.”

Sen. Santorum on why women shouldn’t serve in the military: “My concern is that being in combat in that situation, instead of being focused on the mission, they might be more concerned about protecting a woman in a vulnerable position.”

On gay marriage: “Is anyone saying same-sex couples can’t love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too?”

On boys bowling with pink balls: “Not on camera.”

Rick Santorum is a very angry man. He throws temper tantrums in front of the press. He dismisses people who don’t agree with him as being “Anti-American.” A lot of people think that Santorum’s preoccupation with homosexuality is an indicator of his own repressed urges. I think that oversimplifies the issue.

The Tea Party is a movement based on fear and ignorance. They fear anyone who is different. They attack those differences as baldly un-American because they don’t have facts or experience to draw upon; only fear and perhaps distaste. They are the mean girls of politics. If Karl Rove is Regina George, Rick Santorum is Gretchen Weiners.

I wish he would go away. Anyone who uses religion as a weapon and aw-shucks bigotry as a platform should not be given the national spotlight. He is a poison and an exceptional blemish on the pock-marked face of American politics.

But oh how I’d miss him….