I Feel The Same Way As You Feel About Botox. Painful And Unnecessary.

Gang? Hey guys, everybody grab a piece of floor or sit backwards in a chair in a cool way; it’s time to rap. How was everyone’s day? Good? Good, me too. I bought new bras (Semi-Annual Sale! Run don’t walk!) so everything is good here.

I just wanted to check in and make sure we’re all on the same page about how we feel about Sarah Jessica Parker’s comment that there could possibly be a third Sex and the City movie. Did someone ask for this? Don’t hide in the back if you did. It’s ok. Someone let Russell Crowe be in Les Miserables; some people like Kelly better than Brenda. Sometimes people are wrong, but no one is mad, ok? So you can tell us if you said you wanted it.belding bro

Ok, so no one is going to speak up. That’s fine. Maybe no one did ask for this. I certainly didn’t. What the fuck could another Sex and the City movie do other than reinforce how vapid and unsubstantial the characters have become? How much harder can I wish every cast member of The Golden Girls was still alive and making magic together while watching four shadows of the legacy they left behind? Is there something getting privileged white women down in New York City in a way with which we are as yet unfamiliar? Is there a story about this not sufficiently being told but The Real Housewives of New York?

I have seen Sarah Jessica Parker play everything from the hot witch sister of Bette Midler to the hot social climber who stole Bette Midler’s husband but I have never seen her play any character other than Carrie Bradshaw. Maybe she could just keep doing that in other movies that aren’t Sex in the City and just leave the charred ashes of a once great show long ago destroyed by the flames of hubris to slowly recede into the sea?

Or maybe they’ll go back to Dubai or explore a whole other culture’s most superficial stereotypes! Life is crazy and even empty stories have more chapters!


It’s a Bitter Sweet Symphony

“When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?”

-Sex and the City

(I totally hate myself for posting that quote.)

I am always astounded when I run into someone I know by chance. If I run into him or her on the subway, I am dumbfounded that we are both taking public transportation, let alone the same line, let alone the same car. What are the odds of that?! I don’t actually want to know. Statistics ruin the magic of kismet.

You take the subway too?!?!

You take the subway too?!?!

Yesterday, even more improbably, I ran into someone I knew on the street. She was my first New York City best friend. The year was 2007. We were two non-Equity babies sitting in a sea of non-Equity babies waiting to be seen for an audition we knew we were not going to be seen for. A group of people sitting on the non-Eq benches with us were snarking about the various auditioners audible through the walls. Our eyes locked and simultaneously rolled. And the rest is BFF history. Except for all the parts where we let each other down, and accidentally insulted each other, and stood each other up. It was a fast friendship but not built to last.

On the record, I hate Sex and the City. It is the worst one-dimensional portrayal of women and their friendships of all time. Plus, all my friends always make me the Miranda. But in Season 4, Episode 5, entitled “Ghost Town” (I didn’t always hate Sex and the City), Carrie feels New York is haunted by people from her past. The city is just big enough that you can forget about someone meaningful who has left your life, but not so big that they stay gone. Whenever I run into someone from my serious auditioning days I think of that episode, which causes me shame and peace in equal measure. Those years gave me a tough skin and a biting sense of humor. The people I came up with were a vital support system and I’ll always love them for that.

I love Cynthia Nixon, but my friends don't say I'm like Cynthia Nixon.....

I love Cynthia Nixon, but my friends don’t say I’m like Cynthia Nixon…..

My old BFF, who incidentally is always the Carrie of all her friends, looked great. She seemed happy. We’ve both pulled back from the audition scene that bonded us and subsequently made us insane. We’re both thinner and with shinier hair. My ghost looked great. I hope hers did as well.

Available at tinyzoo.wikia.com

Available at tinyzoo.wikia.com

When I Wake Up In The Morning and My Alarm Gives Out a Warning….

As I recover from my serious illness of the past two days, waking up has been a tough battle every morning. This morning, as I wrenched myself from a dream where I was still living with the Cheeky Chipmunk and she was hoarding all the cups in our apartment, I turned to my iPhone looking for the strength to get out of bed. Instead, I opened up a very troubling email from Pandito.
Patrick Muldoon, the guy who played Jeff Hunter on Saved By the Bell is still getting hate mail and has been steadily for 21 years. What’s troubling to me about this article is that I can’t tell if it’s serious or satire. The comments make me think serious; as a society, we can no longer tell the difference between “you’re”, “your” and “ur”, so maybe we can’t tell the difference between reality and fiction.
Are people really still sending him hate mail, or is this Patrick Muldoon’s attempt to thrust himself back into the national spotlight as a victim? Is he just trying to take the shade off of Kristen Stewart’s affair? Why are people sending hate mail to a fictional character?
The questions are simply answered when you watch the breakup episode itself, which also casts an ugly light on Jessie and Slater, as they try to manipulate the ending of the 20th century’s greatest love story* into a move to become Bayside High’s official power couple with their silky voices and moving interpretation of Michael Bolton’s classic, How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?.

You guys, that’s hard for all of us to watch. Their breakup, thanks to the magic of syndication, stands as a constant reminder to the first acrid taste of heartache most of us ever experienced. But forgiveness is the key to healing. We have to move forward. If actors are afraid to take these powerhouse dramatic roles as catalysts to stable fictional relationships, all of our television shows are going to suck. I don’t want that and I know you don’t either. Listen, somehow people have forgiven Kelly Taylor; Jenny Garth has been on Dancing with the Stars. We let Angelina Jolie still be in movies. Even Burger, the guy who broke up with Carrie on a Post-It, still has a career. So we have to forgive Jeff Hunter, er, Patrick Muldoon and let him back on TV. After the public scandal of dating one of his employees, it’s not like he can go back to managing restaurants anyway.

*Editor’s Note: Zach and Kelly did end up getting married, so one might argue that Jeff Hunter only made their love stronger in the end. I wouldn’t argue it because I don’t want 21 years of hate mail, but one might.

Who Runs the World? Girls? A Review

I am sick. All the parts of me that are usually full of sass are filled in with germs. But that didn’t stop me from eating two Hot Pockets for lunch (medicinal!) and it won’t stop me from getting so far ahead of the cultural zeitgeist that I actually go back in time to talk about something people were really talking about months ago.

I hate that show Girls on HBO. But it took a long time and an influential gchat with the Awesome Opossum to really put my finger on why. I guess “hate” is strong. I am deeply irritated by that show Girls on HBO.

Full disclosure: I have only watched a couple of full episodes and some random scenes. I had to stop watching it because it is like Sex and the City without any of the fantasy. I don’t like television that perpetuates the idea that all women are bracingly insecure and are terrible friends to each other. It’s annoying to watch and hurts all of us. I’ll concede that some of the moments of the show ring true: Adam’s treating Hannah like crap is particularly familiar, but even that loses authenticity when *SPOILERS* he turns out to be just as messed up as she is and wants to be Hannah’s boyfriend. I’ve dated lots of crappy artsy guys and this has never happened, ever. Girls is most comfortable when it is unrealistic and making its characters live at the lowest level of their personal moralities.

I do not care that Lena Dunham and the other leads have wealthy, famous family members. I’ve been trying to find a way to make nepotism work for me for the last two decades of my life. My main issue is that the show is about being young and broke in New York City. As someone who has been both for quite some time, I can tell you that they are doing it wrong. It’s offensive to watch a show where the premise is that one regular girl can borrow months of rent from another regular girl. That doesn’t happen, through sheer lack of financial ability and the constraints of friendship. If my parents pulled the financial rug out from under me, I wouldn’t be all pussy-footing around my internship the next day coyly hinting at a job. I would ask for a job and then hit the pavement, going to every Starbucks and retail establishment that would take my resume. Surviving in this city is not some bullshit hipster existential experience. Without resources, you can’t stay here. I’ve lost a lot of friends to the weight of NYC financial demands. Not like they died, they just move home.

I don’t hate Lena Dunham’s writing, but maybe she should stick to what she actually knows. Writing about struggling twenty-three year olds is not it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to a Law and Order: SVU marathon on USA.