And Then They Came For Britney

This blog has declined to take a side in the Taylor Swift vs. Katy Perry feud. We weren’t ready to face the world’s ugliness, head-on. As punishment for our negligence, we’ve paid an unimaginable price.

Katy Perry is on the cover of Elle‘s March issue. Elle is apparently interviewing and featuring all kinds of people these days. When asked about the being a pop “star”, Katy Perry replied:

“It is a hundred times harder a dream than the dream that I dreamt when I was nine…You think you signed up for one thing, but you automatically sign up for a hundred others. And that is why you see people shaving their fucking heads.”

Katy, I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your job be harder than you imagined it would be when you were nine. I’m sure that’s awful and you have my sympathies. But Katy, you don’t need to worry about why people shave their fucking heads. I understand fame. I’ve performed in three professional melodramas in a small gambling town in Colorado. I’ve had my chicken fingers bought for me in a casino, unsolicited. But you don’t hear me telling Elle “that is why you see people marrying David fucking Gest.” Because you see, Katy, people like us can’t understand the motivations of superstars.

No one but the greats can understand why some things happen.

This was bigger than you or I could comprehend.

People  who shave their fucking heads were the most memorable part of a Superbowl performance that also included Aerosmith and N’Sync at a time when people still wanted to have sex with all the members of both bands*. People who shave their fucking heads danced their goddamn faces off and were more compelling than a million silver tiger/lion puppet things**. People who shave their fucking heads are known as the “Princess of Pop” not the “Gallagher of Pop.”

Learn from his subtlety.

Learn from his subtlety.

Because, for real Katy, you and Taylor Swift can fight through songs and Twitter and left shark attacks all day long. Go nuts. Have John Mayer throw shade and complain about how you’ve been cast as the mean girl while lesser DJs fight your battles for you. But leave Britney Spears out of it. She is a national goddamn treasure and we’ll be listening to “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” long after people can’t remember that “Firework” and “White Horse” existed. Hell, we’ll be listening to “Mmmm Papi” that long. Don’t worry about why people shave their heads. That’s never going to be your concern.

Britney Superbowl

Treasure.

*Mostly.

**Seriously great to see the War Horse people working though.

Your New Guide to Pop Culture

Pop culture is bananas these days. I can’t turn on the television or read twenty or thirty celebrity blogs without feeling things. But it’s too hard to feel so many different opinions about so many different things that all impact me directly. Kim Kardashian already has a big baby bump! How do I feel about that? I need more structure. I give you the good, the bad, and the ugly of pop culture.

Beyoncé’s Super Bowl Halftime show was good (read: awesome). The thing we like about Beyoncé is how much she likes herself. So if there’s going to be a Halftime show starring her, it should really, really star her. Like, the stage from space should look like two Beyoncés glorifying each other. The stage from the ground should look like a million Beyoncés dancing together. If other people are going to get to be onstage with her, their mics should be at fifty percent of what Beyoncé’s mic is. Those people should also get the fuck off the stage the second Beyoncé dismisses them. There should be a track from Beyoncé’s husband, but no husband on that stage. He was not in Destiny’s Child* Beyoncé’s First Solo Gig Plus Back-up Dancers. The entire Super Bowl should shut down immediately or close to immediately after so that everyone knows that football comes second to Beyoncé.Can you handle this

The impending Dolce and Gabbana fragrance for babies is bad. I first read about it on the New Jersey Path train (also bad). Babies don’t know how to put on perfume. How embarrassing to be at your own christening and realize that you’ve over-fragranced? Also, are we sexualizing babies too young? Like, in theory, it seems like putting fake smells on a baby is stupid and babies should be babies and sex it up when they enter their first toddler beauty pageants. But who am I to tell the as yet unborn babies of the Summer of 2014 what they should and shouldn’t do to feel sexy and vibrant? It makes me uncomfortable, but this is America and babies should, I guess, have the option of feeling fancy.get it baby

What is going on with The Office’s Jim and Pam is fucking ugly. If you don’t watch The Office, or you stopped when Michael Scott left, or when things got “boring” or “exceedingly unrealistic”, let me enlighten you. Jim is pursuing an exciting position at a start-up in Philadelphia, The New York City of Pennsylvania. Pam is left behind in Scranton, the Jan Brady of Pennsylvania. They’re not doing great. Enter Brian, the crazysexycool boom mic operator of the documentary crew. You guys, he is in love with Pam, I am in love with him, and I kind of want to see them make it work. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to keep the magic alive after two kids. Maybe it’s because Jim just doesn’t make us feel safe anymore or because like, I’m a person too and need to be acknowledged for everything I’m bringing into this marriage. Whatever is going on with us them, it’s really hard. You want Jim and Pam to be forever. We love Jim. But Brian isn’t doing anything wrong, just acting on what his heart says is right. I just wish I could more clearly hear my own.I just....can't

So from here on out, feel free to use the three topics below as your guidelines for discussing what’s going on. Like, instead of being like, “Oh, I don’t really care about Kim K’s bump because I have a life to lead and also the Kardashians are sort of kontributing to the dekay of society and the konstant misspellings of…”, you can just say, “Oh, Kim K’s kbump? Worse than Beyoncé’s Halftime show, not as bad as perfume for babies.”