“One of the Boys” is a Song that Katy Perry Sings and the Name of One of Her Albums

You guys, you can calm down now. Katy Perry is officially on the record as “not a feminist.” I know you were afraid she would announce that she was one and then she would be hideously ugly forever. If someone tells me he or she is a feminist, I instantly distance myself from them, fearful of being hit on or recruited to grow my leg hair out for the eventual mandatory feminist leg hair harvesting for the sisterly braiding of a noose to strangle the patriarchy. Thank the good Lord himself that a woman who shoots whipped cream out of her nipples and sings about “Daisy Dukes [on the bottom] bikinis on top!”* is not a feminist. That would literally crush my soul.

Alarmingly, she does believe in “the strength of women”, which, to the ignorant ear sounds a lot like feminism. “The strength of women” almost sounds like something that feminism would be based on, along with basic feminist tenets of equal opportunities for men and women, equal pay for equal work, a woman’s having autonomy over her own biological choices, supporting other women, and standing up for your principles. “The strength of women” rings suspiciously close to the grotesque feminist idea that women have the wherewithal to choose whether to be homemakers or work outside the home, whether they want to have children or remain independent, whether they can get divorced, whether they are allowed to have sex before marriage.

I’m being unfair to Katy Perry. Her desire to distance herself from the pervasive, man-hating, PCU** vision of feminism that continues to plague women’s rights is totally understandable. Feminism by reputation is the boogey-man that claims your womanhood and castrates every man around you. Feminism in practice is the name for the feeling of annoyance when some random dude on the street tells you to “Smile, beautiful” and the reason your boss can’t grab your ass when he asks you to get that report on his desk before five. Feminism lets us go to college and vote and enjoy sex just as much as our male counterparts. Feminism is wearing pants. It’s not about being better than men or hating men. It’s about being judged as an individual, regardless of gender.

How lucky that someone fought so she could do this….

So Katy Perry is not a feminist. Neither is Taylor Swift. (I know, right? Pick your jaw up off the ground.) That’s ok. They are allowed to choose that, because women can be anything they want to be. Which is the basic principle of feminism.

*Now I will have California Girls, which is dangerously catchy, in my head all afternoon.

**PCU is a movie made when John Favreau was thin and Jeremy Piven had his own hair. George Clinton is in it. It’s from 1994. It comes on Comedy Central when you least expect it.

Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me

I am terrible in the world of men and dating. Like a terrified baby. I know I’m awesome and I know I’m decently attractive, etc. This total awkward neurosis is almost completely me being a crazy and wearing middle and high school like a medieval hair shirt. The other side of that coin is I am totally in awe of girls who are really confident around men. Not even jealous, just so impressed and am sure that their lives are really, really easy and that nothing bad ever happens to them.

The Awesome Opossum used to work at a different place than she works now (too specific for you?). One of the girls she worked with was one of those girls who always has a boyfriend and always has drama with him and always has, like, five to a million guys who are in love with her. Totally impressive. In the midst of moving in with her boyfriend and cheating on him with her best guy friend, this person, let’s call her Kelly Taylor just for fun, had to coordinate an event with Jeremy Piven, a person who is known for being a sleazy and disgusting womanizer, as well as someone who dropped out of a Broadway show over too much tuna.

But Kelly Taylor was thrilled to be his go-to for this fancy event. She didn’t even mind working so closely with Jeremy Piven, though she said he was constantly hitting on her and wouldn’t leave her alone. I could not understand why the Awesome Opossum found this so annoying. Kelly Taylor couldn’t help how much Jeremy Piven and all other men liked her. The fact that I would immolate myself if Jeremy Piven hit on me is irrelevant.

A year has come and gone, the Awesome Opossum now has a new job where Jeremy Piven hasn’t even met any of her co-workers. Back at her old job, they were gearing up for the big event again and Kelly Taylor was a little worried. She has made a serious effort to stay committed to her boyfriend and was worried that Jeremy Piven would resume his great seduction, since she would obviously be the one working on the event. It must have been such a relief when she was asked to work on other projects instead.

Especially since she doesn’t know that Jeremy Piven’s people called her company to ask that she be taken off the event because she made him uncomfortable with her advances the last time they worked together.