T.J. from Two Episodes of Empty Nest is Here to Save Us All

Everything happens for a reason is hard to hear that when you’re in the throes of a tragedy like a drunk girl dropping her phone on the subway tracks or the victim of a tsunami that hits the entire eastern part of your country. But morn not me in 2012 or all citizens the eastern half of Japan; your suffering is all part of a synchronicity that child and teen star Andrew Keegan keyed into and used to start his own religion. Zack Dell from Camp Nowhere, bless us all.

Taken from vice.com

You see, Andrew Keegan or the guy from the fold out poster I hung on my wall after cutting it out of Tiger Beat has started his own religion based on the premise that all the world’s suffering is synched up because he and two of his bros got mugged at the same time that 15,889 people perished, $34 billion worth of damage occurred, and nuclear reactors exploded in one of the largest tsunamis in recorded history hit Japan. Time truly is a flat circle and I for one am shocked. Not just because I would have pegged one or both of the Carter brothers as the heartthrob(s) from the late 90’s / early aughts as the one(s) to start a cult. And not just because Larry Miller seemed to be the most natural spiritual leader of the cast of Ten Things I Hate About You. And not just because Keegan’s followers seem to be people who got sidetracked on their way home from Coachella and those kinds of people usually hate hipster bullshit that includes crystals and a nostalgia-inspiring figurehead.

 

I’m shocked because it took this long for us to get a hot religious leader. What the heck, religious world? Buddha seems like a dad, depictions of Jesus are way too photo-shopped to tell, and I’ve never even seen an image of Muhammad. In terms of more modern leaders, David Miscavige is too intense, Manson too needy, Oprah is too unwilling to consistently lead. Finally, there’s someone who knows how to smolder as he incites our spirits burn with fervor. And while I would prefer to follow Matt Camden of Seventh Heaven over Mary Camden-Rivera’s cast-off, Wilson West, I’m in one hundred percent.

From the book of T-Shirts, 4:54

 

My Mom Found A Meme!

Guys! I know it’s Wednesday, and also that I’ve become a lazy blogger lately. I also know that North Carolina is being steamrolled by some Tea Party Bullshit. They are restricting abortions. Let us please never forget that the pros of limiting abortions are to protect life and to prevent medical procedures, completely neglecting the fact that women’s lives are ruined in childbirth and by unwanted pregnancies all the time (“What if that aborted fetus was going to be president?!” “What if that woman forced down into poverty by single motherhood was?” No one is Doc Brown. We can’t know what would happen in other timelines; let’s not try.) and that giving birth is a Goddamn medical procedure. Have you ever heard of an episiotomy? That is a medical procedure that really leaves some lasting scars.

North Carolina already passed one of the most restrictive and saddest anti-gay marriage laws  in the Spring of 2012. I have yet to understand, at all, how gay marriage affects straight people anymore than I understand how forcing a woman to have a baby is a pro-human rights issue, but I’m wide open to hearing anyone’s non-Biblical views on either subject (your Bible does not belong in our Constitution. Sorry bro*.)

Welfare applicants must pass mandatory drug tests which I’m sure is not an expensive program for tax payers at all. Are you poor in North Carolina? You can expect to find a lot of Christians, but not a lot of charity…..

Student loans are going up, going back to that whole, “Oh, you’r poor? Fuck you and bless your heart,” attitude that seems to have covered the consciences of NC lawmakers like a blanket over a bird cage.

Also, if you’re a teacher, it would be good to keep your urine clean, because based on your salary in comparison to the rest of the country you are also fucked. Though not as fucked as you’ll be if you get fired or laid off. What is so insane to me, is that these people think they are doing the right thing by hoarding their money for themselves, as though infrastructure is free and as if keeping the poor down makes our country better. Any society is only as strong as it’s most vulnerable members.  Making women raise children they can’t afford without the aid of benefits they can’t get in a state with a high unemployment rate is the way to keep people down. Raising student loans keeps people down. Restricting health care access keeps people down. If you asked them, Republicans are the more patriotic party. They love America; they hate Americans.

I once heard someone who is related to me say that Occupy Wall Street was a movement of spoiled people who expected everything  to be handed to them. I politely excused myself to go the the bathroom because I’m not allowed to swear in front of my family members outside of my nuclear family, but come the fuck on. If you don’t understand that the Occupy Wall Street movement is about the gross inequality in this country, it’s probably because you benefit from said inequality. If you don’t understand women’s rights, or college tuition hikes, or the implications behind restricting gay marriage I envy the life you’ve lead and the character you’ve never been forced to build, but please do not comment on those things in front of me.

In other words, I won’t be moving back to my beloved blue-skied haven any time soon. As for my mom, she spends her Mondays picketing at the state capital because she is rad and also is retired.

 

*Bro like Broseph not bro like my bro, Pandito, who is awesome.

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Matthew 7:6:

“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

Deuteronomy 15:11:

“For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’ “

Congressman Steve Stockman, Giving Rick Santorum’s Logical Prowess A Run For Its Money

When I first read about this, I Hulked out in rage. Now that I’ve realized that this statement is predicated on the fact that of course any woman who wants to terminate her pregnancy deserves to be literally destroyed from the inside by her unborn fetus, my blood has cooled back to liquid form and I’m left only with questions.

• How would the fetus get the gun without a medical procedure?
•  Fingers aren’t fully formed or useful until the 10^th or 11^th week in utero and abortion is only legal into the 12^th week. How is a baby supposed to use a gun without opposable thumbs?
• Who is going to manufacture these tiny guns? Large profit potential aside, this is a PR nightmare for any company that decides to take it on.
• How are the embryos supposed to pay for these guns? Are we starting them out in life with a credit card and encouraging a constant descent into debt from which only death can bring relief? Or is the state supplying these guns? I’m not sure I’m comfortable letting fetuses live off the tax payer’s dime so early on. These fetuses need to stop asking for handouts.
• Where is this fetus supposed to gestate once it has stood its ground with its mother and doctors? Are we, the tax payers, going to have to be responsible for their habitats?
• Who is going to teach these bundles of cells how to properly use their firearms? US Marshals? Do we know if they are even good with children?
• Is it irresponsible to encourage children in a precognitive developmental stage to use guns? How young is too young?
• Is this program designed for all embryos? I’m not saying that I’m more uncomfortable with a minority zygote having a gun than a white zygote, but it’s something that should be discussed.
• Is this the absolute top of white male privilege* for a congressman to say this as part of his reelection campaign or will something even worse happen?

I’m relieved to leave the answers to these questions in the wise and capable hands of our elected officials and glad that they’re focusing on the issues that are absolutely the most pressing and relevant.

*White female privilege means that CNN will talk about you if you’ve been abducted but that you’re not as important as a tiny bundle of cells growing inside of you.

We Look For Love

Guys, I have thought a lot about what’s going on with the Supreme Court, (I seriously will never use the acronym SCOTUS, ever. Ever.) and Proposition 8, and DOMA, and the equal signs on Facebook and Twitter. Not time considering them; I obviously know where I stand and where almost every person I associate with stands. What bothers me, and I don’t know how this translates from common sense to Law, is that we legitimize these sorts of stupid arguments at all. Like, if I don’t like bikes (and I do not), that doesn’t mean that everyone who enjoys biking is lesser than I am. It doesn’t mean that bikers shouldn’t be allowed the same protective traffic laws that I enjoy while driving my car the way God intended. If I went into a town hall meeting and was like, “Jesus Hates Bikers! We should make sure they don’t have the same rights as us honest ‘Mericans. If God intended for everyone to ride bikes he would have given all of us good balance and quick reaction time. It’s unnatural!*” everyone would think I was a crazy person.

So, while I am proud to see the progress we’re making as a country, and proud to see a million pink equals signs on my friend’s Facebook walls, I am tired and saddened by the pace at which that progress moves and the fact that we allow both sides of a human rights issue to be heard when one side is common sense with Constitutional back-up and the other side is a bunch of scared bigots hiding behind misinterpreted Bible verses. I am exhausted by politicians who don’t give a fuck about equal rights one way or another, but support what they think will get them the most votes. And I am irate that the same people who want big government out of our lives have no problem shoving them into our marriages (and our reproductive organs-yes, Sarah Palin, I’m talking to you, you squawking fuckbox of ignorance). But we’ve sat and talked like this before.

So I’ll just let this Willie Nelson interview with political newsletter, Texas Monthly speak for me and all the pandas who don’t have blogs, echo our hopes, dreams, and frustrations:

Texas Monthly: You’re closely following the Supreme Court’s consideration of gay rights and same-sex marriage.

Willie Nelson: I am. And it’s ridiculous to me that this is something we’re having a conversation about this in this day and age. I thought it was something that was settled a long time ago.

TM: Clearly not.

WN: Clearly not. And obviously, even the Supreme Court doesn’t know what to do about it. They say, ‘Don’t ask me. Ask somebody else.’ They don’t want to get in the middle of the states on it. And what are they going to do, come in and override states that have said it’s okay? It’s a mess.

TM: With same-sex marriage legal in some states and not in others, equality means different things different places.

WN: For same-sex couples, taxes are different, benefits are different, survivor benefits are different. It’s crazy.

TM: You’ve been a supporter of LBGT issues over the years. Outspoken even.

WN: I never had a problem with any of it. I’ve known straight and gay people all my life. I can’t tell the difference. People are people where I came from.

TM: But where you came from was small town Texas in the thirties and forties. Was Abbott more forward-thinking than we give it credit for?

WN: We were a lot like New York City. [laughs] With shorter buildings.

TM: But especially for a Texan, and more so, a Texan playing country music, you came around to this idea relatively early on.

WN: It never came up. Gay or straight? Married, not married?  It was never a question. And now there’s fussin’, fightin’, and arguin’ over it? Let’s get off that and talk about guns.

TM: For better or worse, you’ve also grown into a reputation as something of an authority on marriage itself.

WN: I’ve been there and back a few times. It’s not perfect, so why should we expect it to be perfect for everybody?

TM: But to be clear, you think everybody should be able to get married?

WN: Absolutely. I never thought of  marriage as something only for men and women. But I’d never marry a guy I didn’t like.

TM: A lot of people think this battle echoes the fight for civil rights in the sixties.

WN: It does. It’s about human rights. As humanity, we’ve come through so many problems from the beginning to here.  I guess it finally had to come around to this. This is just another situation, another problem. We’ll work it out and move on.

TM: And what do you think they’ll say when they look back on this?

WN: We’ll look back and say it was crazy that we ever even argued about this.

 

 

* Should anyone opposed to marriage equality have stumbled onto this site accidentally, the above quotation is what you look like to the rest of us, but with poorer grammar.

Also, this Onion article is the best thing ever. Skip this blog and read that if you only have time for one.

 

There Is Just One Thing I Need

Ever since she got fired from Fox News and the election was over and the buzz about Game Change died down, no one has been talking about Sarah Palin. Christmas was over and it’s hard for Protestants to really blow out Lent in a showy, public way and she can’t talk about Jew holidays or Ramadan. Congress is literally throwing this country to Hell in a hand basket, but Sarah Palin doesn’t have any interest in that silliness. Having the answers to political conundrums is hard and boring. What on earth was a lipstick clad hockey mom to do? Take some time, educate herself, and come back gracefully into the spotlight? Fade quietly into the Alaskan wilderness to take care of the family she claims should be the number one priority in America, eclipsing civil rights for all? Stalk Julianne Moore until she can kill her, skin her, and wear her on TV to publically apologize for mocking Sarah Palin on HBO?

Be careful Julianne!

No, Sarah Palin is writing a book entitled, A Happy Holiday IS a Merry Christmas, which will encourage people to stray from their politically correct ways and obeisance to the golden calf of commercialism and put the CHRIST back in Christmas*. We all know that the much persecuted Christian religion is always coming under fire from groups that think they don’t have to follow it because they have their “own religious beliefs” or want “separation of church and state” or to “not sharing the same beliefs”. I feel oppressed by all those groups just typing all those things. Also, when you fear your treasured religious holiday is being over-commercialized, make sure to profit off that fear.

If I may be so bold, I’ll suggest that Sarah Palin is not doing this solely because of her ceaseless devotion to the Lord or the dollar. It’s possible she’s writing a controversial Christmas book in March because she wants attention. And it frankly disgusts me.

Recently at work, I made a new best friend; the Lascivious Lemur. He is good at math. He’s taught me a lot, but the reason we’re new best friends is because he taught me to commoditize attention. Attention is like cookies or bricks or Electoral College votes; it can be quantified and bartered for. When the Lascivious Lemur needs attention, he just asks for it. When I need attention, I just tell him, “I need attention.” In return, I must give attention when it’s requested of me. Simple. Honest.

If you want to make money selling a book that tells people not to spend money to support the crass commercialism of Christmas, I get it, I’ve seen Step Up 4: Revolution. But if all you want attention, be an adult and ask**.

Attention please!

 

 

*SPOILERS for everyone on my holiday shopping list, of all religions, you will be getting this as a present from me, stuffed in a stocking, held by an angel, sitting on Santa’s shoulder, in a manger.

 

**Or be smart, funny, or otherwise contribute to society in a non-fear mongering way.

Prayers for Hillary

 

Meme Mondays are proof that anyone can master technology but that there is only one Hillary Clinton. Get well soon!

Lenny Bruce is Not Afraid

I love New York. I love the liberal politics. I love the arts culture: murals painted everywhere, theatres nestled in every neighborhood, amazing music played on subway platforms. I love the fast pace; walking should always be a competition of strangers. I love the convenience of the subway. Today I saw a man with the brown-haired version of Donald Trump’s hairstyle. I was so close, I saw it coming, going and a little bit from the top and I still can’t tell you how it’s composed. New York City is magical.

But fuck this place if the world is ending. I’m serious. I’m the first person to make a cynical joke about a doomsday prophesy. Remember when October 21^st, 2011 came and went without us all being consumed in a fiery pit of Hell? All the way up to it, I was like, “Haha, religious nuts!” But the day of, I was unnerved.Recall the hilarious Y2K jokes that were bandied around? So hilarious. But around 11 PM, December 31^st 1999, there was a moment of doubt. Calling doomsday prophets insane is the lowest hanging fruit of topical comedy. But the jokes often stop just beforehand; no one wants to be wrong about the end of the world.

And if the apocalypse does hit, New York City is done for. I’m serious. We have seen some warning signs: two hurricanes*, an earthquake, Kourtney and Kim Take New York. We barely survived those events. I seriously don’t want to be here when stuff goes wrong. The vast majority of movies about natural disasters take place in major cities: London, Chicago, LA, DC, New York. Have you ever seen a disaster movie shot in suburban North Carolina? ME NEITHER. And since Hollywood has never depicted anything untruthful or improbable, I am going with them on this one and getting the eff out of here.

Seriously, peace out y’all.

Good luck Broadway stars, hot dog vendors, and the Statue of Liberty. You’re going to need it as you navigate the million dank basements and tunnels of apocalypse fame. Bonne chance Bloomberg, hipsters, and mixologists. Remember that you have to chop zombies heads off to kill them and that layers are better when it’s cold than just one warm coat. I’ll be at home drinking white wine with my mom and stuffing my face with biscuits. When I return on the 26^th, if you guys have elected the biggest subway rat as your new city leader I will be pissed, but respectful of the office.

*Read this NYT article to find out what it is like to feel like the world is ending when you are older and vulnerable and relatively abandoned in the face of a natural disaster.

The Girl Can’t Help It

In my life, I am plagued by bad decisions and a weak inner ear that always lead to me saying “whoopsie” or “shoot!” or “fuck-fuck-fuck-my-computer-OMG-did-I-just-knock-all-those-heavy-shelves-over-and-scrape-my-own-leg?!?!?!?!” But it’s nice to know that I am not alone in these common, everyday calamities, and the equally commonplace sayings that follow them.

You guys, Jessica Simpson is possibly pregnant again. Whoopsie. Her baby was born seven months ago, so it’s safe to guess that this baby was unplanned. This reminds me of the time that I bought a container of Sea Salted Caramels from Trader Joe’s. They are so good. You can plan to only have the recommended serving size of four caramels, but if you aren’t careful, you can plow through the whole container in one sitting. You will be full, which is just how Jessica’s uterus feels now, even though it was empty so recently. I wish I’d left those delicious caramels in the kitchen after just taking a reasonable amount. Jessica maybe wishes she’d used condoms.

In the “shoot!” category today sits Angus T. Jones. Monday, the spirit moved the half in Two and a Half Men to release a viral video telling America to stop watching his show, which incidentally pays him $350,000 per episode, because it takes people farther from God, but that he was going to stay on it because it was important for him to learn about sin from the inside…. Y’all, his bad. Last night, he released a statement to Us Weekly, saying sorry to all the people he’s worked with over the past ten years, which is literally half his life.  While I’m nearly positive that God, who created miraculous Heaven and Earth, would prefer to take no responsibility for the indictment of American culture that is 2.5 XYs, there’s nothing moral or righteous about taking bunch of money for something you think is wrong and then actively seeking to destroy the jobs of all the people who do not make a bunch of money and depend on each paycheck from the show you rightly call “filth”, but for the wrong reasons. Angus T. Jones now knows that, and I now know Angus T. Jones’ name.

“Back up off me sinner!”

And in “fuck-fuck-fuck-my-computer-OMG-did-I-just-knock-all-those-heavy-shelves-over-and-scrape-my-own-leg?!?!?!?!” news, something went down in China this week. Two weeks ago, The Onion satirically named Kim Jong-il’s successor, Kim Jong-un the Sexiest Man Alive. I clarify that it was satire, because China’s The People’s Daily, a Communist paper, took the award at face value and ran with the story. This is incredibly embarrassing for the entire paper, and not super great for the Communist party at large. When I read this story, my mind instantly turned to the Awesome Opossum. Not because she’s a Communist or loves Kim Jong-un, but because she is in public relations. Her job is really stressful and demanding and often entails making fast calls for people with little patience. I imagined a little Chinese, Communist version of her over at The People’s Daily, desperately straining for something to turn into her boss. She may not have had enough time to look at another article in the whole entire Onion or research past winners, such as Bernie Madoff and Ted Kaczinski. Now her day is really fucked. And she’s probably gchatting with her best friend about how upset she is and much she wishes she’d fact-checked. And then she probably is fired. Or killed.

Listen, we’re all just doing our best. Whether you are famous, or the editor of the “mouthpiece of the Communist party”, or just a little panda alone in her apartment on a Saturday night, mistakes are bound to happen. The important thing is that we learn from them and make a better choice next time.

Livin’ La Vida Loca

This week has been crazy pants of Joey Buttafuoko magnitude. One of my co-workers has put in her notice. This is a personal bummer, because she’s one of my favorite people at work, not to mention someone who has helped me a lot at my new job. It’s a professional mixed blessing, because it always sucks to lose an ally in the office, but I’m getting some exciting new work opportunities. Nothing sucks up all the good blogging time like exciting new work opportunities.

In addition to an exciting new workload, I’m getting an exciting new apartment. I got the keys about a month ago, so I’ve been painting and moving in furniture and putting together furniture and locking my keys in my new apartment which has a door knob lock which I have now realized I’m not mature enough to use. If you are looking to start a life of crime but feel squeamish about the inconsistency of the work, locksmithery is the job for you. I paid a guy $150 for about 15 minutes of work as he pried my door open. I’m decently sure I couldn’t match that selling myself on the street and I don’t suffer from low self-esteem.

A few other interesting things have happened to me since last I put non-memed words on the internet. I saw a guy in Midtown wearing a hoodie with the words “Without Jesus You Burn,” in white block letters surrounded by cartoonish flames, which was offensive to me because I feel a hoodie is too informal for that kind of message. A long-sleeved tee would be more appropriate to deliver such an important message.

I ran into Guru in the park, but didn’t realize it was him until we were long past each other. He stared me down for a solid thirty seconds while I returned his gaze with friendly confusion, like a dog looking at a wind-up toy. I came out the victor in that situation as perplexed is a better look than creeper.

I also ran into the cute guy who lives on the top floor of my (old) building who I’ve had a crush on for years and learned a valuable lesson. Never love someone from afar; disappointment s inevitable. He is a perfectly nice young man but we are not a love connection. Lastly, I got a message last night from my old Sugar Daddy dot com account. As I can’t access the site, I have no idea what it said, but I guess it’s nice to know I’ve still got it? 

It Was Lonely Atop That Tower

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a beautiful young maiden. She was kept in a  tall tower by her mother who wanted only to protect her from the evils of the world. The only way she could have companionship was by letting down her hair and having her guest use it to climb the tower.

Believe it or not, this is the plot to a fairytale called Rapunzel. If by some chance, you know it, you remember that it ended in Rapunzel’s hating her mother. When I read a story like the one published in this morning’s New York Times, I think of Rapunzel. Apparently, Todd “legitimate rape” Akin’s campaign is being propped up by the good home schooling people of Missouri. One supporter says, “Here’s a fellow who’s a home-school dad and running for Congress. Let’s get behind him,” which reminds me of the episode of Will and Grace, “Star Spangled Banter”, where Will backs a gay candidate for City Council while Grace backs a Jewish female candidate before either realizes both candidates are horrible people.

There are plenty of non-crazy reasons to home school: bullying, pursuing Olympic dreams, touring with the circus, to name a few. But I don’t believe these are the home schooling parents propping up Todd “women have magical vaginas that I don’t understand but trust me one time a scientist said they totally do” Akin. He is backed by people who have good Christian values, which keep them scared enough to shield their children from the Devil’s lessons of evolution and biology. The parents supporting Todd “stem-cell research is sinful black magic” Akin use up to 10 hours a week incorporating his campaign into their lessons in Social Studies and Typing (do real schools still teach typing to the iPad generation?), teaching their kids that it’s ok if they don’t believe in basic science, look how successful that’s made Todd “liberals hate God” Akin.

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher told our class that freeing the slaves put them at a great disadvantage because they didn’t know how to take care of themselves. I went home and told my mom, who promptly shit a brick and called my school. These kids have no oversight of their lessons, thanks in part to Todd “House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology” Akin. Without any external influence, they are just parrots to whatever their parents tell them.

Forget the fact that ignoramuses like Todd “ugghhhhhh” Akin should be kept as for away from malleable minds as possible. Forget the fact that nowhere in the Bible does Jesus say “If you really love me, you will teach my words with exclusivity, barring and shunning all those who diverge even slightly from the message.” Forget the fact that being shielded from the real world for one’s entire childhood leaves one ill-prepared to live in it. Forget all those facts and you are well on your way to preparing an ideal home school lesson plan.